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El Amor se Fue

     "The love has flown." Or has it? So many times, we find ourselves in a relationship with someone we love and our first instinct is to give all of ourselves. We do it because we want to; we do it because we think it's what they want, and sometimes we do it because society has told us that is the thing to do. And those reasons are good reasons. They are natural reasons; they are reasons that help a relationship thrive and be healthy.
      But what happens when the relationship goes sour, or someone just isn't in it anymore? Just recently, I found myself in a relationship that I couldn't salvage, which brought me to this place of intense self-discovery. For the longest time I thought he was the reason it didn't work. And without laying sole blame on him, I had to realize I also had part in the blame.
          You see, this whole time I have been on this road trip, save for the first few days, I have encountered relationship after relationship that has taken a turn for the worst. I had arrived at a time that was in the end of these people's love lives. The love had flown, and I was a front row viewer. Let me tell you, that is not exactly the best place to be when you so desperately want to have a healthy and loving relationship. It almost jades you. But, as I have dug deep into my own short comings in my own relationship, I realized I am not these people and neither is the ex. We are two completely different people. And I realize...my love has not flown.
     Now, is that a good thing? When I think about how things were and how they ended, it makes me think I am this spineless girl who knows not what is best or what she wants. That I am holding on to something I shouldn't. But I do know what I want, and perhaps that is the scariest part. What's so scary is that even though I still carry the love for him does it matter? Is it in vain? But then again, if it is...what then? Why does it matter that I still have love for this person? It's mine to give to whom I please, and for now, I carry it for him, but I still hold on to it. I do understand, that I can not predict the future with myself or anyone else. So, to continue to carry something that was so real to me doesn't bother me.
      Does he know? Probably. Does that make it worse? Don't know. Don't care. What I do know and what I do care about is making sure that I do not end up in a relationship like the ones I see crumbling around me. It's not worth the pain and heartache. I refuse to do it. And even though there was pain and hurt in my own relationship, I recognize it. I am still aware of it. I will never not be aware of it. But I also know that I refuse to keep inside what I am feeling when I feel it. I am a stronger and more mature person for that pain that was caused and that I caused.
      My love has not flown as these around me. But, one day, if not fostered, and given and reciprocated it might...guess we will all have to stay tuned to see what God has in store for me.

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