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And...go!

“There is one right there, dude.”
“The truck won’t fit. Stop changing the subject. Tell me exactly why you did it?”
“I don’t know really.”
“Yes you do. You’re not exactly an irrational person. Just tell me what you were thinking before you went off and decided to change your entire world.”
“I don’t know. I guess in that moment I realized I couldn’t go on and continue to feel the way I did. I knew something had to change, and I chose to do it.”
I really hate change. Okay, that is probably a lie, but I don’t like it. I just see the inevitability of change. I started back at work yesterday, and it was like I never left. It was good to see everyone, and I just simply was able to slip back in to my normal routine. My hours have changed, but nothing else. My work family is the same, the environment is the same, the work is the same, but I am not.
My co-worker was asking me about my evening and I was telling her of what a great time I had, and I said, “I just feel like I am floating on air. Like I am waiting to touch down. It wasn’t what happened in an instant the night before, it was more of a feeling like I had been running so fast for so long and had taken flight. I have this gut feeling as though I am soaring. However, it isn’t the feeling of complete freedom like I imagine flying to be.
I always thought that birds had it best. They fly and see the world from a grandiose point
of view, but how tiring it must be at times to flap their wings to soar higher. I had that feeling today. Yes, I was seeing the world from a lighter more broad point of view, but the work I had to do in my own life to get there has worn me down.
I am ready to land. But I don’t know on what type of ground I will. Anyway...she told me as I told her about my last few days, “You have changed your entire world. None of it is the same.” And she is right. My work has changed, my relationship is no longer in existence, my schooling has changed, my very thought process has changed. And although it came gradually and expectantly, it still feels as though in a moment I woke and saw everything from high above. And now I am tired. I feel it in my bones as perhaps a bird might with their hollow bone structure. That perhaps they will give out and crack.
I realize that just a few days ago I was writing about being envigorated and empowered; I still feel that. I do. I just...I just feel like after taking the largest breath of relief that I have yet to take another to see if I will still be alive when my world settles and I touch down. I do not fear change, but I respect it. I respect in the fact that in an instant your entire world can be raised to the highest moment or be dashed on the rocks. I am literally living each day separately. I have made plans for the not so distant future, because I am not quite sure what that future holds.
Bear with me...it’s all I ask.

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