It is a common thought that if you want something bad enough you will go for it. It can be anything from a job, a new car, a new house, a lover. Anything. And the thing about human ambition is that nothing gets in the way of what we want most. Humans are selfish, we want what we want when we want it...and we will do anything in our power to make it happen.
But...sometimes things get in the way. Well, I am tired of letting things get in my way. In 23 days, I have driven 4563.8 miles. That’s a lot. I’m tired. However, refreshed in spirit and mind. As I drove back into Tulsa this afternoon, I felt a sense of new beginning. I had just spend the last month traveling around the southwest part of the country seeing family and friends, and I immediately, as I hit my home town, had a sense of “something new.” It wasn’t a sense that something was going to come my way and I had to be open to it, well, that wasn’t what I was feeling. It was more of: you are entering a new part in your life and it is yours to grab by the balls.
I will admit that I have been a little afeared of growing up. It isn’t easy; it isn’t fun, and I wasn’t ready. But, I think that I have been getting ready for sometime now, and even now, as I write this I feel like I am ready. Finally ready.
So, what does this entail? What does this concern? My career (or the hunting that will begin for said career) and my love life (or the lack and hunt of said love life.) I thought about the ex, on the way home today after seeing him on Friday night, and I was thinking of all those feelings that I still feel for him and damn if they aren’t strong. But, I resigned myself to stand my ground and say, “I love you, but I am not going to wait for you.”
Ugh...wait. I love him but I won’t wait for him? Isn’t that the complete opposite of the fairytale ending that I have always wanted? Although, if you analyze it from a different perspective then it could be the catalyst that brings about the grandiose rom-com that I have always wanted. STOP!!! Grow up, Aly! Remember...you are gonna grab life by the balls? Will I ever stop going into this spin cycle of my brain and emotions?? Hopefully…
Am I exhausting you yet? Cause I wouldn’t be surprised. Okay, back to the world’s ball sack. I told the ex...I love you, but I am ready to let you go if I have to. Then...he gut-punched me. “I love you too, Aly.” Slugged me right in the kisser. Now, isn’t that nice? How sweet. Yeah, it would have been if his next statement wouldn’t have been the actual heart breaker. “But I am still not 100% sure about us.” (or something like that.) Yada yada yada…
All that to say, I met a guy this week, who told me, that if a guy loves a girl then he will do all he can to make it work. So, is the ex a liar? I don’t know, but I can’t do this any longer. It is now or never, babe...It is going to be hell letting go of the first love, but in the end, I am gonna have to do something.
So, was this trip entirely for my relationship with my ex and figuring all that out? Who know. I don’t think so. I think that if it was only for that one moment, as I drove back into town, of feeling completely as though I was back on Mt. Lemmon with the world at my feet, then the entire time I was away from my family, friends, and dog was worth every minute.
Let us hope that that moment was not fleeting, and that God, in His infinite grace and mercy, will continue to give me prudence, patience, and perseverance. Be blessed.
...and damn! It is so good to be home!
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