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Me, my ex, and I

First, let me start with, "No, I have never seen the movie ‘Me, Myself, and Irene.” Good, now you don’t have to ask.

     So, after contemplating the whole idea of being single and 29 living in the midwest, I said something that has been running in my head all day: “Perhaps it doesn’t help (to my own chagrin) that I believe I will be the greatest person they will ever meet.” Huh...I said that. And I meant it. If I don’t know what vanity/self-confidence is then I don’t know anything. I do believe this. And why shouldn’t I?
        I have spent 28 years alone, and in that time, working on myself. I never had a string of boyfriends growing up; I never had casual relationships that were for fun; I never had any kind of relationship that brought me any kind of knowledge of how to be in a good and healthy relationship. But I know myself, and I like myself. I could say that I have learned from friends and family of how to be in a relationship. Most of the examples I have witnessed haven’t been great, which perhaps gave me a sour taste about them. However, there have been some that I could even describe as “epic.” Those are few. But I never had to have someone show me how to be a good person or a good me. I spent many a year working on that, and I feel that I have succeeded. Granted, there have been things that have made me a different person: i.e. the death of my brother, and loss of friends. Still...I like me, and I am convinced I will be liked by all. Is this healthy? I don’t know. Honestly, don’t care.
        Now, here I am, coming out of my first honest and true relationship with a lot more knowledge. You see, I thought I had learned all I could about myself. I had this philosophy, and probably still do, that: if I work toward something (anything) and accept that change will happen, then actually achieving something ceases to be an issue. I mean, come on, how often do we try to reach a goal and fail miserably? Hell, all the time. I am one of the best at not finishing things. It is something I am fantastic at, and not something that I like to revel too much in. That is neither here nor there. What I am getting at, is that I don’t know everything there is to know about myself. I am just beginning to learn how I act and react in a relationship.
        I guess I never thought about the fact that in a relationship you must be aware of another soul. But how good I am at focusing on myself which could easily become my downfall.
        These last 6 months have changed me, for the better in the ways that love and hurt and pain change you. I have come to understand what is good and what is healthy in a relationship. I was blessed to be acquainted with a man who is good and wholesome. I or we just had this completely unfortunate luck of timing. Sucks! But, what can you do? I hold no regrets or sorrow toward the way things happened or what came of this particular relationship, I just see the reality of it. Blessed I am that that I can continue to grow in friendship with this man, and see what God has for him in this life. If I didn’t have this...I would have the regret. I would regret not being able to see the man for which I fell for become a better person for the world to experience. I would regret the friendship that we had, have and will continue to have.
       My number one learning experience is this: when I feel bad or hurt or gratefulness or love or any other emotion...just fucking say it. Say it, or it gets lost among the daily rigmarole of life, and that other person deserves to hear all that you think and feel. They deserve every part of you: all that you have been, are, and will be. If there is no mutual give and take of all of yourself...it just isn’t going to work.
       Okay, so I realize this isn’t really about me and my ex, it is more about me. Of course...it’s my blog. Why wouldn’t it be? =)
       

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