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Pleasure

   I have a confession: I have always been jealous of people with drug or hyper-sexual backgrounds who have accepted their lifestyle. Why? Because for sometime, even if it was a short time, lived the life I have secretly craved.
   Sometimes, when I read or hear of someone who has lived a lifestyle that although brings nothing but heartache in the end, I get jealous. Simply because I think there is a part of us, maybe just me, that craves the lifestyle of pleasure. It is what makes us basic humans. We seek happiness...we get happiness from pleasure, and the basic needs of pleasure according to basic human needs are sex and food. I suppose I could be slightly referencing Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I know I mentioned drugs, but did can got a short time bring pleasure. 
   But still...I am not denying that a life full of meaningless sex is the only true pleasure or that elicit drug use is harmless and fun all the time. What I am saying is a part of me craves the ability to forget what standard I have chosen for my life and embrace a sense of "fuck it" (literally.) 
   I can't. I can't do it, and I won't. I think because I see no point. I currently work in a drug lab where I encounter on a daily basis those who have abandoned any standard and embraced the savage lifestyle of drugs and sex, and it got them one thing: their life turned upside down. Does this happen with all people who chose this particular way of life? No. But, I have seen the ramifications of what it can do, and that is enough.
   I remember the commercials that used to run: such and such is my anti-drug, and I didn't think I would ever understand it until one night, I was lying in the middle of my friend's livingroom doped up on prescription pills, trying to wake her up enough so she could take care of her 2 year old son. He was crawling all over her needing her attention. I knew at that moment I had my anti-drug. 
   I know I am blessed to have dodged a very slippery road of which I could have traveled. I know that I am blessed to have parents who instilled in me a moral compass. I do not deny that I would have been a good candidate for a lifestyle of pure lonely pleasure. 
    Perhaps this blog is just some random confessional of which I can embrace. Who knows. But the truth is still there...I might die a virgin. Who knows. I might always harbor a little bit of jealousy toward those who feel no guilt or remorse in doing things that I can't. Who knows. All I know is that it is what it is...

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