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Introspection

   I think I might be a closeted introvert. Most of the time, I am comfortable with being active and on the go, but it doesn't rejuvenate me. The only thing that rejuvenates me is being alone and by myself.
   When I was younger, this was much more pronounced. I would get to the point where I would lock myself into my room and recoup for several days. I had to have personal time. It alone was my sanity. Well, after several full days of good friends and fun i am ready to once again pull into myself. I need healing.
    How do I know I need this? First of all, if you don't know your body and mind by the age of 29 then there is something seriously wrong. Second, the signs are blaring...I first recognized the feeling when i texted the bf and instead of being excited to talk to him tonight, I was resenting the phone call that I was excited for just 4 hours earlier. It perpetuated with the feeling of complete exhaustion and an impending sadness.
    It's in these introspective times that there is one thing I will never fail to do: cry for the loss of my brother. I find that when I am most defenseless it is in these times, and I miss him most.
   Over the years I have developed a method handling these moments. Are they the best? Hardly...but the work for me. The first is silence. Since I do consider myself a closeted introvert, talking is a chore...something that can cause me more pain than joy. So when I feel the impending sadness, I get quiet. Because in these moments, talking becomes somehow physically difficult. Second, I take my mind off of all personal matters and place it on trivial things...usually TV. If there are times when mindless TV to me is warranted, it is now.
    Most of the time these two things can get me through the night. It has been a very long time since the need for introspection and alone time lasted longer than one night. By the time the morning has come, my mind and body have usually been recharged ready to go once more. I feel for those people who see me high and then see me low. However, I am lucky that I am surrounded by people who understand that I don't purposefully hurt them by my silence. I am just taking the necessary precautions to self health.
    And i couldn't ask for a better novio...one who asks while I tell him I can't talk long, "You are needing some personal me time?" Damn...the boy gets it!

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