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The relationship balance

   The moment I started dating, I was 27. Yeah...I know uber late in life. But I learned to be one thing, or at least I thought I did: how to be a good friend. I was always the friend who was never with someone. I was forever the single one. A lot of times, I was the third wheel, but I never felt like it. My friends, those who I spend most of my time with, never made me feel out of place or like I didn't belong.
   I was and am blessed to have amazing friends. I was always accepted and wanted, and I was always around. When I started dating the ex ex, I spent less time with my friends and more time with the dude. It is the natural process of things, and as I look back I didn't bring him around my friends because I wasn't sure how to integrate my two worlds. It was difficult. Then, when I started dating the ex, I knew that I wanted my friends to become his. I wanted to be a couple in the mix of my friends. I wanted to have someone to share these experiences with...only problem was, I never saw the ex. He and I barely had time to be us, let alone invite him to anything. 
   Now, with the Indian, I am back into that mode of wanting him to integrate into my life. The beautiful thing is: he is around. He cares to be involved in my life. Granted he stays in a town a small distance away, so it makes it hard, but he cares. He has opened up his world to me, and I only want to do the same. I think we are getting there. It seems, with the three men that I have dated, there has always been an impediment. The first was a snarky ass, the second was never around and the third well it could be a number of things. For one, he is Muslim. For two, we try to spend as much time with each other alone and it is usually only one day a week. For three, maybe it's odd seeing me with someone. 
   I recently had a really good friend tell me that seeing me with someone was really strange, and they didn't know how they felt about it. I chuckled because I didn't know what to say. I asked this person if they saw a problem with me dating; the answer was an emphatic "no, but it is taking some getting used to." I suppose I can understand. I try to be the same and do the same, but as I told the Indian tonight, "I just feel like i am split into a million pieces and I can't seem to find all of me." 
    This is the conclusion I have come to: I am struggling with being able to be the friend I once was. Not because of the person I am dating...but because I am dating. I guess I just wish that there were more days in the week than just 7 because it just doesn't seem to be enough...And I'm tired. Maybe when my life (not even talking about the bf) slows down, I can find the perfect balance between me, the bf, and my friends. I surly do hope so soon. I miss my friends, and I miss the bf...I get to see them so rarely. 

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