Skip to main content

Girl with moments

   Even though I think that I know myself pretty well, I am still trying to figure out how to change certain things about my character that I don't particularly care for. But how? I have these moments. Or so they have been dubbed. Times, in which, I will be bothered by something and because I can't seem to hide it, will be oozing out of every pore in my body.
   But, here is the deal. When I was younger, I used to pretend that nothing bothered me, and hide everything. I thought that to allow people to see me when I am having these "moments" was the change I needed. Apparently, they are more damaging than anything. So, what changed? I did. I actively decided to allow people into my world. I want to go back now.
   Why? Because, I have been told that it is "all about me." I might have that mentality, and I might have that problem. The thing is, and this is the complete truth, I can't and don't see it that way. I wish that someone could come and fix my glitches. I need someone who can come and erase those "sensitive" feelings in me. The funny thing...is that these moments will only happen with people I deeply care for.
   I have heard that those you are closest to can cause the most hurt. I know this...because I hurt people and I don't mean to. I feel a sudden remorse for my actions, and I wish nothing more than to fix the situation. It saddens me when I find out I hurt someone...but I don't know I hurt them unless they tell me. Why do I have moments? Because I tell someone when I feel uncomfortable or hurt or such...I figure that it will be okay and things can be fixed if it is talked and addressed.
   But, this has only caused me to look like I only care about myself. Which could be farther from the truth...but perception is everything. If someone perceives something about me, I wish that they would tell me. I always wish to rectify...I just don't always get the chance.
   I know that to be jaded is not what I want. I know that to be cold-hearted is not what I want. I know that to be unfeeling is not what I want. But, I want to get rid of these moments. Or, at least surround myself with people who realize that they aren't going anywhere...and so they are just going to have to deal.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tiger must stay in your backpack...

   I'm not that parent. The one who gloats too much, and shows off all the pictures. The parent who relays every detail of their kid to let others know how incredible I think they are. Perhaps it is a flaw. Who knows. And I also pride myself in not being a helicopter parent. I teach and let go. I discipline and let go.    And I thought I would be ready for this: first day of Pre-K. I have been very positive and uplifting and have wanted my son to be extra ready to go to school. We have talked about it for months! I am ready... Or so I thought.  This morning, as white boy was leaving to take them to daycare, he said to Owen, "You can't take Tiger to school tomorrow or he will have to stay in your backpack, so do you want to take him to daycare today?" I thought little of it, but as Owen threw him down on the ground and turned to head out the door, my throat hitched. "Are you sure you don't want to take him today?" He said no. It was a sense of finality.  ...
Post a Comment
Read more

60 years ago is not the 1940s

  When you are born, you are lucky to get one day a year to celebrate just you. Well, you and all the others born on that day. When you become a mother or father, you get another day for just you. Sometimes those days come when you are not ready, and some come when you wish they wouldn't.   Today, 60 years ago, my mother was born. A date that means littler to most people I know than to her or me. As we age, and my mother is no different, our birthdays become just another cycle of the rising of the sun and a following of the moon. Nothing to make a big to do of.   My mother enjoys subtly. She can be dramatic but embraces the subtle acknowledgement of herself. She has ALWAYS placed herself second and counted the accolades of her children as if they were her own. That was one thing my mother NEVER lacked: humility. Which made me often sad she didn't get more than 2 days a year commemorating her.   Mom, I know I've come short. I know that I have openly and often faile...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sacred Requiem

  He handed me the hymnal and asked me if I was ready...if I could do this. To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing. I had never planned a funeral, and even if I had imagined planning one it sure wasn't this early in life and it sure wasn't for my only brother, my only sibling. At 25, I felt like a little child getting left behind in a sea of strangers. I was terrified.   2 days prior, my heart stopped beating. 2 short days before this, my peaceful world collided with the dark. And now I had to prepare for the world to say goodbye to greatness. The tree fell in the woods and the world shook with its sudden end. And we, as the collective, needed to imagine that very tree as the beautiful piece of woodwork it now was and bow to it's new exulted shape.   I wasn't sure how to plan a requiem. But, it had been placed in my hands and I wanted to give him the best I could. He deserved it. He deserved life...to live...to breathe still and chase every dream he thought into...
Post a Comment
Read more