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relinquish to regain

  • "He touched my face as he walked past me."
  • "He brushed my cheek as he passed by."

   Both of these sentences elicit a response. The first, although perhaps meaning the same as the second, doesn't give the emotional response as the first. Of what importance is this? Sometimes, when we want to say something, a simple change of words can take on a whole new meaning. Control: a word that to everyone means something different. But, what about dominion, govern, regulate, restrain. Such similar words in meaning, yet they elicit a much more powerful response.
    I can't quite decide if it is because I am the youngest child or the fact that I am who I am, but I like control. And, if I don't have it, I am very careful of who has that control over me. There are few who have it, and whether they know it, I have given it to them because I trust them.
    Sometimes, the scariest part is knowing that a simple thing from someone can change our demeanor. I was having a conversation with a friend at work, and they mentioned that a simple, simple act from a person gave them a warm, heartfelt glow. I think I might have cringed. Hopefully, so they couldn't see.
    So, I broached the subject: is it that one person has such control, or is it that they know it or don't. It isn't easy to gain trust from someone that can hurt you. It isn't easy to allow someone the ability to hurt you. I guess that it is why it is so easy to remain as a single person within oneself. Because, admit it...being vulnerable is fucking scary.
    I have thought about vulnerability; I have written about vulnerability, but no matter how often I think that I have "control" over it...I don't. We, as humans, were made for companionship. But what kind? All kinds. Most think this is marriage or dating, but it isn't. It is about every connection we make with people. We are meant to be in communion with others...it is what we crave. And, the thing we crave the most is usually what makes us most scared. Rightfully so.
    I have never considered myself an empathetic person, but I try. I will have these moments, where I gain such clarity in a situation that I know I wasn't the one who revealed it to me, and I think that if I can just remind myself of that clarity or truth or reality then I will gain a bit more understanding of the situation.
   But, it all ties together: the control, the vulnerability, the scared-shitless-ness, the community, the clarity. It is all one thing...human nature.
   So...what do we do? When we relinquish our control, we gain it back. But, relinquishing our dominion, governance, regulation and restrain to someone else is so hard. I think when we give up this control, the one who has it or given it needs to realize just what exactly we are granting them. What complete nakedness we have offered. If they can realize it for what it is, then and only then will we be able to regain it back. Because what is freely given should be freely accepted and freely given in return.

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