Skip to main content

Who am I?

   The idea of the parallel universe is nothing new to us. In fact, there have been books and movies made that usher in the idea that we are alive in more places than one. We have the same name, look, attitude but different circumstances. Which, if you think about it, could make our appearances and attitudes different.
    But...Isn't it fact that we do live twice? Take out the idea that we live in seperate universes, but as people we tend to live in two places: the head and the heart. I have seen multiple cartoons depicting the fight betwen these two very different "aspects" of who we are. The head which bears our reason and rationale and the heart which holds our passion and our emotion.
    As a truly balanced person, we try to live in both of these aspects the same amount of time, and I find it utterly ridiculous. I can't stand the idea of having to balance out something that is unbalanceable. Some of us are reason some of us are emotion. I refuse to believe it is all soley based on gender. I know women who are more reason driven and men who are more emotional. Then there is me...and I tried for so long to try to be the "balanced" one...I am tired of not listening to the real me: the heart-driven me.
    I will be the first to admit, that we are all in use of our head and our heart. On a daily basis, we use both to make decisions and also to react to certain things in our lives at work, home, or in public. We are the make up of both aspects...but all of us are driven by one more than the other.
    So, where does reality reside? We could take it one step further and say that if we live in one of these aspects then we fail to live in reality. I learned a bit about myself this weekend, that was both painful and truthful. And, after hashing it out with a friend, I realized that I am stuck in this fantastical idea of non-reality. I think...
    I realize I am my heart-driven self, and I realize how much that that sometimes causes me to feel too much and react too irrationally. Then...I spend too much time apologizing for myself. It has made me tired. I am just exhausted.
    I am a bit afeard that I am being set up for some big change in my life, and I don't exactly know what to do. Because I don't exactly know what it is. I have spent a great deal in the last 6 months learning about aspects of myself that I didn't know existed. Some have been painful, but all have been helpful. So, here I sit...trying to find which aspect I live more in, and then seeing if I am living in the true reality.
    I always held pride in the fact that I knew myself, but now I don't know anymore. I feel less self-aware and more confused than I ever have. I do live in the emotional world. I do live in some sort of reality...but I am waking up to more of it everyday. I think.
    I just don't know anymore. I am up one minute down the next. I am laughing at something and crying at another. I am free to be me and yet bound up in the sake of others. I feel lost and confused. However, I don't feel a lot of fear. Just genuine confusion...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...Do I know me anymore?

   

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Tiger must stay in your backpack...

   I'm not that parent. The one who gloats too much, and shows off all the pictures. The parent who relays every detail of their kid to let others know how incredible I think they are. Perhaps it is a flaw. Who knows. And I also pride myself in not being a helicopter parent. I teach and let go. I discipline and let go.    And I thought I would be ready for this: first day of Pre-K. I have been very positive and uplifting and have wanted my son to be extra ready to go to school. We have talked about it for months! I am ready... Or so I thought.  This morning, as white boy was leaving to take them to daycare, he said to Owen, "You can't take Tiger to school tomorrow or he will have to stay in your backpack, so do you want to take him to daycare today?" I thought little of it, but as Owen threw him down on the ground and turned to head out the door, my throat hitched. "Are you sure you don't want to take him today?" He said no. It was a sense of finality.  ...

A goodbye love letter to you...

  I sat across from my dad at lunch, yesterday, and asked him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" He said, "Yeah. 1 year." And his eyes grew damp. "I'll never forget walking into that room..." He didn't continue. I didn't ask him to. "I'll never forget the police officer banging on my door at 1130 at night..." I didn't continue. He didn't ask me to.  "This journal was given to me several years ago by my children. I know they wanted me to write down my thoughts to get through the rough times I was going through at the time. I did not start this at that time. Why am I starting it now? Well, I only thought I had been through hell back then, but now I realize I didn't have any idea what heartache was until Aug 15, 2010 -"   This is the beginning of one of my mother's journals. A journal she started a little over a month after Andy died. And she wrote it--to him.  "Dear Mother - Today is the day before Mothe...

Arithmetic of Purpose

   By nature, humans will, at one point in their life, ask the question, "For what purpose? Why am I here? What am I meant to do?" Okay, maybe they will ask themselves more than 1 question...but at least around the same theme. "Who am I, and why am I here?" It is built in our very DNA. Growing up, I didn't ask this often. I had a loving family who went with the current. Who I was and why I was here was bound up in my place in my family of 4. I was comfy. I was loved. I was secure. But alas...the question presented itself.   I first asked myself this question walking down the streets of Rome. I was alone, I was 21, and I was lost. I had just finished AmeriCorps and felt like I wanted something, but wasn't sure what that was. I had found my faith, at last, and realized that perhaps I wanted to be a bigger part of the Church collective. I felt meaning to my nothingness. I went home with direction. I graduated from college, finally, and started grad school to be...