"Getting older's not been on my plans"

    Although I find myself saying this often, it doesn't mean I like it. At the end of the day, when all you can say is, "It is what it is," it almost seems as if you  (one/me) is copping out of the grander explanation. There aren't always times when we can give a definitive answer to something, but just to always comment "it is what it is" doesn't make things better.     I understand that things are as they are. For whatever reason, they are...but I still feel sometimes as though those things can change. My problem: I assume it can all change...not just me. How wrong I really am. I can change no one but myself. I can change no situation but the one I am in. I am in charge of only one change...my own.     So, why is it so difficult? Why can't I see the world for what it is and except it? Because! I want things the way I want them. And I don't want it any other way. I want them to stay that way forever.      Uh oh...I just vomited pride all ove

    "When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, 'plot twist,' and move on." I really like this quote. I have put it on the front of my phone off and on for a few years. I usually resurrect it when something in my life isn't going exactly according to my plan. Which...happens enough. And, even though this quote makes it seem much easier than it is, it is always a helpful reminder of the way life tends to go on even when we can't imagine that it could.      I have been struck with a very redefining week. I had a reality and now...through certain circumstances, I am readjusting. But the one thing different about this time compared to last: I am not readjusting alone. I not only have my family and friends but also the very person who is intimately tied to my plot twist. And I am finding it to be a different sort of adjustment.     I think I am growing up. :) I think that I am learning the ways of this world a bit more than I have before. I think I am exp

   "Interact with others as though you are radiating happiness and healing from within." This quote by Franklin Gillette has been running through me for 4 days. I have meditated on it, spoken it, breathed it, chewed on it, drank it...and tried to fully embrace the simplicity of it.      I was talking with a co-worker yesterday about being a state of "fake" happiness. And, when she told me that in conjunction with the relationship I was having with Zain, I knew I didn't have to be fake happy. I was happy. I am happy. I hate pretending because I suck at it. I hate pretending because it only makes things worse. I hate pretending because it is "the game." I didn't have to make something up in conjunction with the brown one because at the end of the day...he makes me happy.     Driving across town, parking behind the little cafe, walking against the wind, waiting for him to walk in, then laying eyes on him...peace. My peace met his defense. To be hon

   As I drove back last night from a Christmas party held in Bartlesville, I couldn't help but have the song "In the Waiting" by Greg Long run through my mind. When I turned my Ipod to this particular song, the opening few notes broke me. The subtle but simple guitar, the soft piano in the background, the tender opening lines: " Pain, the gift nobody longs for still it comes... " continued to break me.    I haven't written anything yet about Advent, because I don't feel as though I have given this season of Advent enough time and energy. I have spent too much time focused on myself and what I wanted and have forgot to give any time to this season.    Waiting...one of the hardest things that we as humans can do. I imagine that God allows us to have situations in our life that encourage us to wait for something...to anticipate. And the greatest situation we have been given is the birth of His Son, Jesus Christ. We, as Catholics, and other liturgical chur

    I have to admit that I haven't had this rough of a week in a very long time. I have been to the heights of gladness to the depths of despair...and for what?     Sometimes I wonder if what we are taught as kids is something we really understand as adults. I just spent the evening with a co-worker who was battling with relationship issues...and here I sat: a 29 year old girl with issues of her own listening to a 45 year old woman talk about the same thing.      What?! So...what conclusion did I come to? People are all the same. Men are men...no matter the age--as are women. I can't speak for a man, but as a woman i realize we all battle the same thing: love, acceptance, stability, security, and honesty. As I sat there and listened to this lady speak of her hardships I couldn't help but understand her feelings. Yet, at the same time, I couldn't help but put myself in her lovers place.      I came to this conclusion: we are all wanting to be loved. We are all want

   I think I finally understand. I think I am finally able to see what has been right in front of me the whole time. See, you were never mine to keep. You have only been on loan. And, to combat the fear of losing oneself, you protected yourself.    I think that's what I couldn't understand. In my head, I felt as though I was on the playground playing make belief. You were the husband, I was the wife...kids on the way. But it can't be that can it? In theory, I saw you as an escape. You still are. I have a love for you that I cherish. In theory, I saw our fate. But I just wanted to be there on that playground pretending it wasn't reality.     I must ask you to forgive me. I admit that in my hurt I acted as I shouldn't...out of anger and fear. I fear no longer. I have found peace. I have found truth. And for my actions, I am truly sorry. I do hope that you can forgive me for berating your heart's shield. Do you see it as such? You're smart. So, I believe so.

   Just this week Walgreens was caught with selling Hanukkah wrapping paper with a repeating pattern which depicted swastikas. Now, I highly doubt that it was an intentional act by the company, or anyone for that matter, but the fact that it was ironically being sold as Hanukkah paper with that particular symbol is what is alarming.     I bring this up, because patterns like this that indicate a horrific symbol is something that should be avoided at all cost not just by those who were religiously or familial-ly affected by it. Then my thought pattern changed. How often to I recognize symbols in my own attitude or life or those of others that have hurt me in the past, and yet I avoid them or don't take heed of them.    I was watching a part of my life play out the other night, to no one else's notice, and I watched myself follow a pattern I had in the past, create a familiar thought in my mind, act out that thought, then feel absolutely horrible after. I knew what the end resu

  I think that to be disappointed because I don’t get a job I wasn’t even remotely prepared for is just stupid...and completely human nature. So, how do I overcome the nature of this humanness? Ugh! I think what is most disappointing is the fact that hype happens, with others and with me, which allowed me and others to get anticipatory…    But then the anticipation gets thrown on the wall like a ball of gak just to be watched as it slides down the wall in a disgusting heap on the floor. The difference between me and that ball of gak is the reality that I have potential. I do have what it takes to be something great, but sometimes I feel like the world sees me as gak: a sloppy, slimy, goopy mess. Until I actually talk to someone who thinks of me differently.    I swear...in the last 30 minutes, I have felt a gambit of emotions that I need to just swish away. I need to take a deep breath; I need to realize that somethings in life just aren’t going to happen; I need to realize tha

   There is a specific feeling which exists only when you run into someone you had long forgotten. It's probably most palpable when it's an ex, but it can happen with friends who were once particularly close. It is comparable to a scab that seems to have been on your skin for forever--a scrape which was once quite painful but has been so long in the healing process that you no longer notice its presence when you wash over it in the shower. You peel it off almost out of boredom and suddenly there is a drop or two of blood, something that vaguely resembles the wound it once was, now too distant to really cause any discomfort. These people are wounds which have healed over, but haven't quite turned into scars but have become another part of your lived-in body.     Letting someone go--when it is a necessary act of of self-preservation, something that has to happen if you expect to move forward in life--is regarded as a kind of victory. You have successfully overcome an emotion

   When I am in the midst of something, I sometimes forget how fleeting moments really are. This day, last year, I was letting go of someone to make room for someone else. How times change. And, through that change, what wonderful things I have found.    Today, is thanksgiving. A day in which we acknowledge what we are thankful for, or are at least a bit more mindful, as we should be thankful everyday. I have noticed people on Facebook do the 30 days of thanks throughout the month of November. I have decided that mine would all culminate today: the day of thanks.    1.) The mercy of God--I realize so much more everyday how human I truly am. I am more aware than I ever have been of the faultiness of my walk on this earth. There are moments when I take a moment to look at myself and my world, and I can't help but think that I am a true failure. But what hope I have in that thought. By the mercy of God, I am redeemed of my humanity.    2.) My parents--what interesting and fascinati

   I think one of the most beautiful things about being a human being is the idea of entitlement. I know the word is usually used for people of higher monetary standing and pretentiousness, but the fact still remains that all humans are entitled. All humans...both the thief and the owner, both the student and the teacher, both the rapist and the victim, both the logger and the activist. All humans. All humans are entitled to their feelings and emotions.     I used extreme examples, because I believe it is important to allow everyone to feel and think what they do. It was Voltaire who said, "I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it." This goes for all. I lastly talked about disconnect and the art of sucking at communication, and I think this goes hand in hand. Sometimes, when I get upset or angry or sad or any other emotion, I expect the world to acknowledge and fix me. Yeah, yeah...talk about entitlement! But, I am learni

   We have all heard the famous idiom: "If it isn't broke don't fix it." But how often if it is broken do we take the time to fix it?    I have been quite emotional lately, and I am starting to wonder why. Are things good in my life? Yes, I have no complaints. I recently, as of this week, started a new job, and am thankful for the more cash flow. I have a loving and caring family, a great group of friends, some I am closer with and some that let me crash at their house for a night of talking and movie watching...simply to catch up. I have a kind and loving bf who showers me with genuine compliments and lavishes me with care and concern. I have a dog that does what he does best: loves unconditionally. Overall, I have what I could consider the perfect life.    So, what's my problem? I used to have a friend in my life that I cared for deeply. At one point, we were very connected to one another, and we had a sense of simple understanding between us. In fact, when I

"It took me a long time and most of world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realised, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesn't sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life."    ~Gregory David Roberts    I ran across this quote in a book I began a few days back. Although it has everything to do with the book itself, the quote, in actuality, has more to do with life in general. I have never considered myself to be chained and unable to not do what I want. Most that know me, understand that I am one who does what she wa

   In the famous lines from Act 3 Scene 1 in Shakespeare's Hamlet, we hear the contemplation of suicide: "To be or not to be...that is the question." And what a powerful question that is.    All over social media we have been privy to the not so secret decision made by Brittany Maynard to end her life. And what a horrifically tragic story this is. So what is the right attitude or stance we should have concerning this beauitful, young girl who decided to take her life?    I remember several years back I watched a documentary on Dr. Kevorkian aka Dr. Death. It was a look into his methods of assisted suicide. And as I watched this video I couldn't help but mentally stand behind the actions of this doctor. And up until the point he made it a political issue, I supported him. I still do.    Now, whether you think one way or another, let me say one thing...I don't think suicide is God's perfect will for our lives, but His perfect will wasn't for Brittany Mayn

   I heard it once said, that if you wanted to be part of a church with no contention then start your own and don't invite anyone else to be a member. Same goes for anything in life. If we decide that we want a perfectly harmonious existence then it would be best for us to become a hermit. But God created us for community. Our heart's desire is to be in community with people who are like us, and even those that aren't. But...in that lies where we have problems.    I have been known to say things and take them back. I have been known to make statements and turn around and make a decision that would seem to others on the outside that I went against all that I said. I have been known to tell people that I am going to do what I want, and I will. I won't deny that.    I was talking to a co-worker today about living our lives and what that means in accordance to living in community. And even though we see the value in living according to community rules, mainly natural law,

   I really really dis-like generalizations. I do understand that in today's society, we generalize almost as often as we breathe, and sometimes I wonder if we even think before we speak. I have come across, myself included, generalizing about a group of people, and then trying to backpedal, only to have myself dig a bigger hole before I started talking.    ISIS...All Moslems agree with ISIS, and want to hurt Americans, and especially infidels: those who don't believe in the "one true faith." Yeah...no. This wasn't ever something I thought twice about til I began dating a Moslem. Shocked? Yeah, well a lot of people are. But, now when I hear things of this nature, it hurts me. It hurts me because I know how abhorrently wrong this statement truly is. I know for a fact that the Moslem I am dating, is kind and generous and an amazing man who is passionate about his faith, you know...the faith that believes there is no one as benevolent as the Almighty God.    Pedoph

   I haven't written in a while, but for good reason. Been busy. And, even though it doesn't ever take hours to jot down a few thoughts and feelings, I feel that if I were to write it wouldn't be nice. I was able to take the bf down to Dallas to meet some of my good friends, and he and I had a great time. It was nice to see friends that I don't get to often. I am blessed to have friends that open up their hearts and lives to me and him.    I did get to attend my first ever trebuchet event. One word...interesting. I mean, the nerdiest of the nerdiest make these ginormous contraptions that end up throwing 10-15 pound pumpkins around 230 feet. Pretty impressive. I do not even being to have the engineering ability to build something like that. I was amused.    But alas...back at home, and enjoying the down time that has been an emotional roller coaster for the last month. Perhaps it is all self-inflicted, but it has been a ride. Not all good, not all bad. I am eagerly loo

   I have a confession: I have always been jealous of people with drug or hyper-sexual backgrounds who have accepted their lifestyle. Why? Because for sometime, even if it was a short time, lived the life I have secretly craved.    Sometimes, when I read or hear of someone who has lived a lifestyle that although brings nothing but heartache in the end, I get jealous. Simply because I think there is a part of us, maybe just me, that craves the lifestyle of pleasure. It is what makes us basic humans. We seek happiness...we get happiness from pleasure, and the basic needs of pleasure according to basic human needs are sex and food. I suppose I could be slightly referencing Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I know I mentioned drugs, but did can got a short time bring pleasure.     But still...I am not denying that a life full of meaningless sex is the only true pleasure or that elicit drug use is harmless and fun all the time. What I am saying is a part of me craves the ability to forge

  As I sat down on the grass before this unassuming building, I placed my cell phone next to me on silent. Between putting my phone down and lifting up my hands to grasp them together, I saw a small green caterpillar...no bigger than one of my freckles crawling across my knuckle.    I was here to pray, not to play with bugs, and as I gathered air into my lungs to blow away this tiny bug, I stopped. Here I was, in front of the only abortive clinic in Tulsa, fulfilling an hour of prayer I signed up for weeks prior, playing with a bug. But it wasn't just a bug.    Most people know how sensitive I am toward living things. From the largest animal to the smallest green caterpillar, I am a huge proponent of keeping life sacred and alive. I know that some consider me a hypocrite for eating meat when I so desire all animals to live long and healthy lives, but I suppose that they should know...I would never kill an animal. I have mo desire nor the need.    Having said that, I understand t

   I do understand now, in my older age, why St. Paul said that the greatest of these three (faith, hope, and love) is love. I remember sitting with my brother at Shakey's in Broken Arrow, and we were eating our frozen custard talking about love. I don't specifically remember if I was crying, or if I was just confused. Growing up, I never lacked to hear the words I love you from my family. We were always one to throw out an " I love you"  and make sure that the others knew it.    But, as we sat there...I was confused until Andy explained that people love in different ways. I was first then introduced to the 5 love languages . Most all evangelical Christians from this part of the country will know immediately of what I speak. If you have never read the book...read it! It is worth the time. Basically, it explains that there are 5 ways that people show love and want love: gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch.    It was that n

   My brother once told me that the most selfish thing a person can do is hope. After I asked him to explain this, I clearly understood. Hope...the one thing that I can't do for anyone else. Sure, often we say: "I hope the best for you, or I hope that you get better." But in the end...those are just sentimental words that don't actually do anything. I must admit that I am guilty of this very thing. Often do I say, "I hope that you..." (fill in the blank)    But hope is the one thing that we can truly only do for ourselves. It is the most selfish thing we can do. And the good thing about this is that it is not a unholy selfishness but a righteous one. The opposite of hope is despair, and in today's society I find that most of what we encounter is despair. A disparaging attitude of humanity. And how sad. Many times have I been in a crisis of hope, and many times do I come out of that crisis with a new found attitude of triumph and gratitude.    I think t

   My brother always told me that we will at any given point in our lives have a crisis. And in those crises they will manifest themselves in one of three ways...faith, hope, or love. He told me that even when we think we are out of the woods with the crisis we will encounter another, and when we think that we have one figured out and we are on to the next, it may come up years later.    Faith...I think that we all have this crisis. I was raised in a Christian home, going to church on a very consistent basis: Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. There was never a question where my family was at these times. My family has always been connected with the ministry in some form or fashion. It was what it was...I knew nothing different.    But as I grew up, I began to question my Christianity and my faith. I remember having this very distinct thought walking down the halls of the American Red Cross, "I don't think that a non-Christian would listen to Christian music

   I think we all have them. Those moments that we decide in one instant that we can't take it any longer or things just don't matter like they did...yeah, we all have those. I have a ton of them. But most of mine go under the radar.    Just recently, I made a decision to do something I had never thought I would...ever, and without taking a long drawn out process of evaluating the situation, I did it. And I have no regrets. I thought I would, but I don't. And that got me thinking...the only reason why I didn't regret the situation, was because I had known all along what my reaction would be if I made this particular choice.    Btw...the thing I chose isn't that grandiose or worth talking about, but it launched within me this idea of breaking points. Yes...yes...this sounds so ranty, but it isn't. Trust me. Okay, we all know that the person who knows us most in life is ourselves, and if we are healthy human beings we have taken the time to get to know ourselves

   The moment I started dating, I was 27. Yeah...I know uber late in life. But I learned to be one thing, or at least I thought I did: how to be a good friend. I was always the friend who was never with someone. I was forever the single one. A lot of times, I was the third wheel, but I never felt like it. My friends, those who I spend most of my time with, never made me feel out of place or like I didn't belong.    I was and am blessed to have amazing friends. I was always accepted and wanted, and I was always around. When I started dating the ex ex, I spent less time with my friends and more time with the dude. It is the natural process of things, and as I look back I didn't bring him around my friends because I wasn't sure how to integrate my two worlds. It was difficult. Then, when I started dating the ex, I knew that I wanted my friends to become his. I wanted to be a couple in the mix of my friends. I wanted to have someone to share these experiences with...only prob

   I think I might need to apologize. Somewhere in the past, I have been guilty of bringing judgement on people's definition of God...and i know now how wrong I was. I do, however, want to explain what exactly I mean. Because, there is a line that must be drawn as to what exactly God, in a His divine nature, is.    I think that most monotheistic faiths (okay the three monotheistic faiths) can agree that God is one thing...love. If we start there, then we can begin to look at the attributes of God. Tonight, in RCIA, we spoke about the nature of God the Father in the Old Testament. Most people, with some modicum of scriptural knowledge, know that God presents Himself in many ways. In Genesis, we have Creator. In Jeremiah, we have Jealous Lover. In Isaiah, we have Ultimate Reality.    These very different expressions of the One God, are not wrong nor right in their manifestations to us. In fact, God is manifested to us at different times in our lives in different ways. As we spoke

   I think I might be a closeted introvert. Most of the time, I am comfortable with being active and on the go, but it doesn't rejuvenate me. The only thing that rejuvenates me is being alone and by myself.    When I was younger, this was much more pronounced. I would get to the point where I would lock myself into my room and recoup for several days. I had to have personal time. It alone was my sanity. Well, after several full days of good friends and fun i am ready to once again pull into myself. I need healing.     How do I know I need this? First of all, if you don't know your body and mind by the age of 29 then there is something seriously wrong. Second, the signs are blaring...I first recognized the feeling when i texted the bf and instead of being excited to talk to him tonight, I was resenting the phone call that I was excited for just 4 hours earlier. It perpetuated with the feeling of complete exhaustion and an impending sadness.     It's in these introspective

   On the way to Dallas, I had an opportunity to talk to a dear friend about this very subject: love the sinner; hate the sin. And he said something that has always rang true with me, "I despise that statement." I concur.    I have searched for a scripture that gives us those exact words in that exact order...I can't find it. In Romans 12:9 it says, "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good." But where in that scripture does it say anything about it being about a person, or someone else's situation.    All my life I have heard this statement, and never has it ever made me feel at peace. Because usually when it is spoken it is uttered out of judgement. There is no way that we can utter that statement without a modicum of judgement. Sure, we may say we aren't judging people, but we are. And we all know how I feel about judgment.    What I find most interesting and sad, is the when I do hear this it usually comes out of the mout

   I always knew what the conscience was. I have never been one to not listen to mine, but sometimes, things can become gray and it gets harder and harder with the frivolous noise in the world to listen to our conscience.    Tonight, in RCIA, our speaker was presenting on moral theology. (A personal favorite topic of mine) And he mentioned that there are 3 levels of knowledge. The first is natural instinct. The second is personal conscience, self-determining right from wrong, and the third was "who are we listening to?"    At the end of class, I posed a question concerning what might be considered a "mortal" sin. First of all, what is a mortal sin...a mortal sin is something that is of grave matter, done in full knowledge, and with full consent. Now, if someone, knowing that a particular matter is of grave matter, and does it with full consent, yet truly in their heart believes it to be okay or morally acceptable is this a mortal sin?    His answer...at the end o

   I recently have gone back to watch the X-files from the beginning to the end. Now, I am aware of the intense dedication of time that I am giving said show: 9 seasons! It's going to take forever. But I love this show. I remember, when I was younger, I was not allowed to watch this show, but would sneak it anyway. Why? Because as long as I can remember the paranormal has always intrigued me.    As a Christian and lover of Frank Peretti, I have been exposed to the forces of spiritual things. For in scripture it talks of "wrestling between principalities and powers." This has always been taken to mean unseen forces of evil...namely Satan and his demons. I believe that these beings exist, and I do believe in the reality of said battle of forces. Perhaps that is why I am completely fascinated with the paranormal.    In this series, Fox Mulder is struggling to find and prove the existence of aliens. His partner, Dana Scully, wants nothing to do with it relying on science on

   When I started this blog, I thought that I would write every night. But sometimes...like last night and tonight, I just don't want to. And the only person holding myself accountable is myself. So, since I have nothing to write about, well...I could, but I won't then I am going to go to bed. I am hoping that by tomorrow I will have something other to write about than just some crazy woman rewriting Harry Potter to fit her favorite brand of Christianity. How pleasant!     UGH!!

   I believe that no matter how hard I try, I will always ruin a good thing. I believe that no matter how hard I try, I will never get past what I have failed at. But why?      Is it inevitable that when I get to the point that things are good or healthly, I will never get past the part of hope and love? Tonight was not good or bad just indifferent. So why do I feel that I am setting myself up for failure?     I specifically rememeber when my ex and I were in a good and healthy place that I had a bad night, and it was the beginning of the end. Why? Because I could not reconcile the fact that at the end of the day I needed to turn in to myself and try to heal myself.     Which means that I needed to listen to myself and I tried to heal myself with outside forces, but what I needed was personal introspection. But I didn't take it. Tonight, I found myself crying in front of someone that I never thought I would. What does this mean for me? Vulnerability? Perhaps. Or maybe just as th

    Gandhi said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians; they are nothing like your Christ.." In "What if I Stumble" DC Talk sings, "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."     Three young people walk into a bar: a man wearing a cassock and a crucifix while smoking a pipe, a young lady with tattoos cigarette in hand, and a well dressed gentleman with 20 dollars for shots...     ...the punch line, there is none.    Growing up with family members that were alcoholics, and a brother who died of such, how could I spend a Friday night with anyone who would drink? More importantly, how could I drink? For isn't this wrong?    We all have our "ideals" of what is right and wrong, but the grey line gets drawn when we bring up the topic of "appeara

   So, I could sit here and write that I am always one to make my own decisions...and that isn't far from the truth, but there are sometimes that I wish someone could make them for me. For example: I have always liked the idea of an arranged marriage. The thought of not having to work so hard to find someone to fall in love with and then hopefully not get your heat broken. It is all so exhausting. However, now, dating someone who is from the culture of the arranged marriage, I can now see the downfall. (Secretly...I am still fascinated with the whole idea.)    And even though I consider myself to dance or sway or get jiggy with the beat of my own drum, I still don't like making the tough decisions. Most of the time, I hold my phone with my mother's number flashing berating myself and trying oh so hard not to call her and have her make the decision for me.     Am I talking about something in general or specific? Not so much. However, I am speaking more in a general sense.