A little over a week ago, I asked J if he had morbid thoughts. He asked specifically what I meant, and I proceeded to tell him I have had thoughts about what I would do if he died before we got married. He wrinkled his nose and told me, "No." I asked him what he would do if I died before we got married and he said, "I would fall apart. I would be a mess. Inconsolable." I tried to think I would be the same if I lost him. Since Andy died, I have become quite the realist. Not to be confused with a pessimist. I see things as they are and how, at any moment, they could be. But I couldn't quite wrap my head around my reaction to losing him I spend a great deal of my sleeping time in vivid dreaming; however, I do believe, that two nights ago was the first time I have woken up from a truly terrifying dream...and cried. I didn't wake up crying. I woke up so very thankful it was a dream, caught my breath, and turned over pulling my covers over my head. My mind