"Getting older's not been on my plans"

   Name (s): Alysse, Aly, babe, beautiful, and mommy (!!!)    State of mind: Clusterf***   Hair: I would say messy bun, but not in the cute way...more in the "Holy hell what happened to you" way   Fashion: compression knee high socks, shorts, depends diapers with overnight maxi pad insert, nursing tank top, and a tired bland expression.   Reality: new mother   First of all, I have to mention that when the nurse was discharging me and explaining what my mental state might be postpartum, I laughed. I began to regret it 4 miles from home as I start crying and couldn't stop. "You might experience the need to cry one moment and not the next." Welp, this was full on tears. Waterworks. The let down!    It wasn't pain either, at least not in the sense of physical pain. Sure, that was there, but this was, "I need my mommy and I need her now," kind of pain. And, when we pulled up into the drive, I saw her come out on the porch with her camera, I fucking lost

   "I c-c-c-can't stop shaking." "Oh, that is normal," he said as he looked down at me before he peered back over the blue medical sheet in front of my face. I couldn't. I just couldn't stop the incessant shaking. The moment of welcoming my son had played out in my head everyday for the last 10 months, and I promise, this was NOT it.   We arrived 30 hours prior, and my utopistic idea of induction had not come true.    "There are only a few reasons we would revert to a cesarean section... 1. He is under stress. 2. I am under stress. 3. He isn't progressing after some time, but chances are we won't get there."    So, after 22 hours of quite intense labor, I found myself being prepped for a c-section. I'll be the first to admit, my words of, "We will do what we have to do to have a healthy baby," seemed so far gone now. I wasn't sure emotionally how I had gotten this far, or even how I would get further.   "We are go