"Getting older's not been on my plans"

  Things are fine. All is well. Couldn't be happier. The earth is spinning to my heart beat. Then it hits...something that makes me freeze and run.   I ran today. I ran away from him because it is what I do. The difference from the past is that he didn't try to chase me. And although I felt the pull of the weight of the ring on my finger, I kept running. Because it is what I do. I run. And it made me feel...   I don't know exactly how it made me feel. I used to be so used to running when shit got hard. It was easy because no one came after me. Usually, I would run when I realized there was no hope. This time, I chose to run because I didn't feel like facing things like an adult.   He and I haven't gotten into many arguments. Maybe 3. Maybe... but today, I found something out that threw me for a loop. Something from the past but out of character, as he has about me. The obligatory learning of each other. I felt winded.   The difference between the other times tha

  Early last week was bad for white boy. He was injured and is probably left with a broken foot. Now, he hasn't been to the doctor and continues to walk and work and do all the things. He continues to also piss me off because he hasn't gone. Granted, I tend to be stubborn too, but if that would have happened to me and my foot looked like that, I would have been at the doctor's office first thing in the morning.   Having said that, that is all I can think about in the back of my mind. How much he is in pain and how much it sucks. I can't fix it, but I can get irritated and semi-yell at him for not going to have it checked out. Guess that's how I cope. I love him, but damn is it frustrating.   Sometimes I wonder how people show love. Sometimes I wonder if people show love in grandiose ways or if the subtlety of love is what is true love. Sure, I mean when he proposed that was a good indicator that he loves me. When I said yes is also a good indicator that I love him

  I sometimes enjoy the way Facebook reminds me of what I posted from years past. This year, at this time makes it a bit difficult since I am reminded more and more of Andy. But, this morning, as I opened up the "you have memories to look back on" notification, I read my blog post from this time last year. May 2nd, last year, I walked away from "the one my heart had fallen in love with." It was a pivotal moment in my life, not just because I was walking, but because more importantly, I was opening up myself for something better. I was walking away from pain and walking towards my true self.   "I just want to be loved and love in return. It is the story in all of us. But, when do we decide who gets that love? I am amazed at how easy it is to find the 'love' we think we want..." Quite a poignant opening statement. I was in pain. I was completely ready for more. I just wasn't sure where to find it. I always knew I was meant for a greater good, an

  It had almost been a year, and I was trying to figure out how to celebrate Mother's Day without my brother's help. My mom had lost one child, and I was who she had left. I knew it would be tough, but talk about how to say "Happy Mother's Day" to a sad mom. It wasn't easy.   I am horrible at empathy. I am quite vocal about such, so when I encounter a situation, most of my friends know what to expect. Silence mostly...un-awkward silence.   It has been 36 days since my grandmother died. It hasn't been easy; it has just been. And from past experiences, I knew it would be quite a hard mother's day for my mom. I walked into her room late last night, and she said, "Can't we just pretend that tomorrow is just another day?" It made it easier for me. I wasn't sure what to say or do for her on this day. In fact, when I saw her for lunch, I didn't even say happy mother's day. It wasn't that I didn't/don't want to acknowled

  It has been a while since I have been on such a long trip in such a short amount of time. 13 states in 7 days. 3300 miles. I am tired. Stood in Time Square. Walked the Atlantic City boardwalk. Shopped in the original Macy's. Lost a boyfriend, but I gained a fiance (which was definitely the most outrageous moment of the trip). Had NY pizza and cheesecake which were must haves and had (overall) a freaking amazing time.   Welcome back to reality! Since last Monday, I have been trying to figure out what it actually means to be a fiance. What if any changes do I need to make to fully embrace or understand the new reality that is me. And, the moment I do, I start to get overwhelmed and I decide to think about something else. A few times, J, his mom, and I would talk about when and what kind and all that "stuffs" that comes into a wedding. But, this goes waaayyyy beyond a wedding. If marriage was just a badass wedding and then going back to exactly the way things are with a s