"Getting older's not been on my plans"

    Although I find myself saying this often, it doesn't mean I like it. At the end of the day, when all you can say is, "It is what it is," it almost seems as if you  (one/me) is copping out of the grander explanation. There aren't always times when we can give a definitive answer to something, but just to always comment "it is what it is" doesn't make things better.     I understand that things are as they are. For whatever reason, they are...but I still feel sometimes as though those things can change. My problem: I assume it can all change...not just me. How wrong I really am. I can change no one but myself. I can change no situation but the one I am in. I am in charge of only one change...my own.     So, why is it so difficult? Why can't I see the world for what it is and except it? Because! I want things the way I want them. And I don't want it any other way. I want them to stay that way forever.      Uh oh...I just vomited pride all ove

    "When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, 'plot twist,' and move on." I really like this quote. I have put it on the front of my phone off and on for a few years. I usually resurrect it when something in my life isn't going exactly according to my plan. Which...happens enough. And, even though this quote makes it seem much easier than it is, it is always a helpful reminder of the way life tends to go on even when we can't imagine that it could.      I have been struck with a very redefining week. I had a reality and now...through certain circumstances, I am readjusting. But the one thing different about this time compared to last: I am not readjusting alone. I not only have my family and friends but also the very person who is intimately tied to my plot twist. And I am finding it to be a different sort of adjustment.     I think I am growing up. :) I think that I am learning the ways of this world a bit more than I have before. I think I am exp

   "Interact with others as though you are radiating happiness and healing from within." This quote by Franklin Gillette has been running through me for 4 days. I have meditated on it, spoken it, breathed it, chewed on it, drank it...and tried to fully embrace the simplicity of it.      I was talking with a co-worker yesterday about being a state of "fake" happiness. And, when she told me that in conjunction with the relationship I was having with Zain, I knew I didn't have to be fake happy. I was happy. I am happy. I hate pretending because I suck at it. I hate pretending because it only makes things worse. I hate pretending because it is "the game." I didn't have to make something up in conjunction with the brown one because at the end of the day...he makes me happy.     Driving across town, parking behind the little cafe, walking against the wind, waiting for him to walk in, then laying eyes on him...peace. My peace met his defense. To be hon

   As I drove back last night from a Christmas party held in Bartlesville, I couldn't help but have the song "In the Waiting" by Greg Long run through my mind. When I turned my Ipod to this particular song, the opening few notes broke me. The subtle but simple guitar, the soft piano in the background, the tender opening lines: " Pain, the gift nobody longs for still it comes... " continued to break me.    I haven't written anything yet about Advent, because I don't feel as though I have given this season of Advent enough time and energy. I have spent too much time focused on myself and what I wanted and have forgot to give any time to this season.    Waiting...one of the hardest things that we as humans can do. I imagine that God allows us to have situations in our life that encourage us to wait for something...to anticipate. And the greatest situation we have been given is the birth of His Son, Jesus Christ. We, as Catholics, and other liturgical chur

    I have to admit that I haven't had this rough of a week in a very long time. I have been to the heights of gladness to the depths of despair...and for what?     Sometimes I wonder if what we are taught as kids is something we really understand as adults. I just spent the evening with a co-worker who was battling with relationship issues...and here I sat: a 29 year old girl with issues of her own listening to a 45 year old woman talk about the same thing.      What?! So...what conclusion did I come to? People are all the same. Men are men...no matter the age--as are women. I can't speak for a man, but as a woman i realize we all battle the same thing: love, acceptance, stability, security, and honesty. As I sat there and listened to this lady speak of her hardships I couldn't help but understand her feelings. Yet, at the same time, I couldn't help but put myself in her lovers place.      I came to this conclusion: we are all wanting to be loved. We are all want

   I think I finally understand. I think I am finally able to see what has been right in front of me the whole time. See, you were never mine to keep. You have only been on loan. And, to combat the fear of losing oneself, you protected yourself.    I think that's what I couldn't understand. In my head, I felt as though I was on the playground playing make belief. You were the husband, I was the wife...kids on the way. But it can't be that can it? In theory, I saw you as an escape. You still are. I have a love for you that I cherish. In theory, I saw our fate. But I just wanted to be there on that playground pretending it wasn't reality.     I must ask you to forgive me. I admit that in my hurt I acted as I shouldn't...out of anger and fear. I fear no longer. I have found peace. I have found truth. And for my actions, I am truly sorry. I do hope that you can forgive me for berating your heart's shield. Do you see it as such? You're smart. So, I believe so.

   Just this week Walgreens was caught with selling Hanukkah wrapping paper with a repeating pattern which depicted swastikas. Now, I highly doubt that it was an intentional act by the company, or anyone for that matter, but the fact that it was ironically being sold as Hanukkah paper with that particular symbol is what is alarming.     I bring this up, because patterns like this that indicate a horrific symbol is something that should be avoided at all cost not just by those who were religiously or familial-ly affected by it. Then my thought pattern changed. How often to I recognize symbols in my own attitude or life or those of others that have hurt me in the past, and yet I avoid them or don't take heed of them.    I was watching a part of my life play out the other night, to no one else's notice, and I watched myself follow a pattern I had in the past, create a familiar thought in my mind, act out that thought, then feel absolutely horrible after. I knew what the end resu

  I think that to be disappointed because I don’t get a job I wasn’t even remotely prepared for is just stupid...and completely human nature. So, how do I overcome the nature of this humanness? Ugh! I think what is most disappointing is the fact that hype happens, with others and with me, which allowed me and others to get anticipatory…    But then the anticipation gets thrown on the wall like a ball of gak just to be watched as it slides down the wall in a disgusting heap on the floor. The difference between me and that ball of gak is the reality that I have potential. I do have what it takes to be something great, but sometimes I feel like the world sees me as gak: a sloppy, slimy, goopy mess. Until I actually talk to someone who thinks of me differently.    I swear...in the last 30 minutes, I have felt a gambit of emotions that I need to just swish away. I need to take a deep breath; I need to realize that somethings in life just aren’t going to happen; I need to realize tha

   There is a specific feeling which exists only when you run into someone you had long forgotten. It's probably most palpable when it's an ex, but it can happen with friends who were once particularly close. It is comparable to a scab that seems to have been on your skin for forever--a scrape which was once quite painful but has been so long in the healing process that you no longer notice its presence when you wash over it in the shower. You peel it off almost out of boredom and suddenly there is a drop or two of blood, something that vaguely resembles the wound it once was, now too distant to really cause any discomfort. These people are wounds which have healed over, but haven't quite turned into scars but have become another part of your lived-in body.     Letting someone go--when it is a necessary act of of self-preservation, something that has to happen if you expect to move forward in life--is regarded as a kind of victory. You have successfully overcome an emotion