"Getting older's not been on my plans"

   Sometimes I wonder if God works in shapes as much as He does numbers. In scripture, we see significance in numbers throughout its entirety. But, this week, He has shown me He also works in shapes.    I will admit, it has been a rough 2 weeks. I still feel as if I am reeling from the change in the status of my relationship with brown boy, but I know that that status must change. There is no way it couldn't. I was always aware. However, it doesn't make it easy. On Sunday, I was contacted by a former and in one moment, as I read this message, I felt a complete sense of indifference. It wasn't until a few days later when I received a message from another former that I saw a shape.     I wrote recently of a feeling of change. I wrote of this impending feeling of work that is soon to be done in my life. I don't know what or when or anything else...but I know it is coming. Well, this week has ushered a nice circle shape. When I saw the message I was shocked and excited an

   In January 1942, a conference was held in Wannsee outside Berlin to determine what exactly to do with the "problem" faced with purist Germany. The "final solution:" genocide. Mass genocide. Between the years of 1941 and 1945, 1.6 million men, women, and children were eradicated in the most horrendous way possible. Finally, in January 1945, Auschwitz was liberated by the Soviet Army. Out of the 4 million Jews, Polish, Romanians, and other nationalities that were present in Auschwitz, this day, in 1945, only 7500 prisoners were left.    I know so little of what took place in that place. Even though documentary after documentary that I have watched, my brain tends to shut down because to imagine the atrocities that took place in Auschwitz and other camps alike baffle me.    I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. I have nothing new to write that hasn't already been written. I have nothing new to add that has yet to be discovered. I feel, howev

   The idea of the parallel universe is nothing new to us. In fact, there have been books and movies made that usher in the idea that we are alive in more places than one. We have the same name, look, attitude but different circumstances. Which, if you think about it, could make our appearances and attitudes different.     But...Isn't it fact that we do live twice? Take out the idea that we live in seperate universes, but as people we tend to live in two places: the head and the heart. I have seen multiple cartoons depicting the fight betwen these two very different "aspects" of who we are. The head which bears our reason and rationale and the heart which holds our passion and our emotion.     As a truly balanced person, we try to live in both of these aspects the same amount of time, and I find it utterly ridiculous. I can't stand the idea of having to balance out something that is unbalanceable. Some of us are reason some of us are emotion. I refuse to believe it

   Even though I think that I know myself pretty well, I am still trying to figure out how to change certain things about my character that I don't particularly care for. But how? I have these moments. Or so they have been dubbed. Times, in which, I will be bothered by something and because I can't seem to hide it, will be oozing out of every pore in my body.    But, here is the deal. When I was younger, I used to pretend that nothing bothered me, and hide everything. I thought that to allow people to see me when I am having these "moments" was the change I needed. Apparently, they are more damaging than anything. So, what changed? I did. I actively decided to allow people into my world. I want to go back now.    Why? Because, I have been told that it is "all about me." I might have that mentality, and I might have that problem. The thing is, and this is the complete truth, I can't and don't see it that way. I wish that someone could come and fix m

    Five. Five years ago...today. I met you then, and I fell in love. Lillian and Ellyssa, my named and my namesake, how beautiful you have made my world. I will admit though, when I found out your mother was pregnant, I was scared. I wasn't ready to be a grownup. I wasn't ready to carry as much responsibility that I knew you would demand from me. I wasn't ready for my life to change the way it did when you both showed. But, how thankful I am.    I remember looking at you both, in the hospital. I was so scared to touch you...afraid I might break you. You were both so tiny. But, I finally held you...one then the other. Holding tiny hand after tiny hand. And, in that moment, I saw myself falling more deeply in love.    You two hold my heart... Lillian : My named. Where do I even begin? I am going to admit I never thought you and I would actually click with each other. I know that sounds a bit drastic at such a young age, but I think we grew into each other. Or, perhap

   I remember the days, as a teenager, thinking I had it all figured out. I wanted to be the Director of the FBI by the time I was 25. I wanted to be a famous writer showing the world the darkness and light and how they juxtaposed themselves in my soul. I wanted to go to the moon, the one place I saw true, unadulterated, divine beauty. I wanted this and this and that and more of this. I wanted it all. And no one was going to stop me.     I remember thinking that I was invincible. I remember thinking that not getting the attention of the boy across the room was the hardest part of my life. I remember writing notes to my friends after every class period about said boy. I remember being invincible.     When did it change? When did my perspective change so drastically on its axis that sometimes I dream of going back to that innocent stage of invicibility?     Most people, myself sometimes included, berate anyone between the ages of 12-16. It is an age that we see as silly and filled wit

   I just read a rather depressing article that rang too true for me. It was essentially: time doesn't heal wounds. Nothing does. From what I gathered, it was a young girl writing to her brother who is no longer alive. In a flash, he was gone. Or, perhaps that is what I took from it because that is my story. Aside from the fact that this girl is writing my story, I couldn't help but disagree with her. Or, maybe I do agree with her, I just don't know how to dispute it.    For most of my life, I have been wracked with quotes. Quotes of life and love and loss and one we have all heard is this: "Time heals all wounds." And, for the most part, I have said that to myself, and had an inkling that perhaps it wasn't true. So, what does? I do believe I heard another quote which debunked this one, "Time doesn't heal all wounds; attitude does." Perhaps I didn't hear that, I just made it up. Either way...I don't know how I feel about it.    I have n

"On the twelth day of Christmas...I finally took down the decorations, and a partrige in a pear tree."   When I was younger, Christmas always started just after Thanksgiving and ended the day after Christmas on the 26th of December. However, there were times when the real tree that was taken down was left in the yard for at least a month. =) But, things have changed. Christmas starts on the 25th of December and ends on January 6th...the day of Epiphany.     Although we have nativity scenes that depict the wise men at the birth of Christ, it is a well known and widely accepted fact that the wise men didn't arrive to bring Christ gifts until he was around the age of 2. So, on this day, January 6th we celebrate the coming of the 3 wise men.     Epiphany: a moment in which you suddenly see or understand something in a new or very clear way. This moment, of the bearing of gifts to Christ, is the first acceptance or knowledge of the Savior to the Gentiles or Eastern world.

"He touched my face as he walked past me." "He brushed my cheek as he passed by."    Both of these sentences elicit a response. The first, although perhaps meaning the same as the second, doesn't give the emotional response as the first. Of what importance is this? Sometimes, when we want to say something, a simple change of words can take on a whole new meaning. Control: a word that to everyone means something different. But, what about dominion, govern, regulate, restrain. Such similar words in meaning, yet they elicit a much more powerful response.     I can't quite decide if it is because I am the youngest child or the fact that I am who I am, but I like control. And, if I don't have it, I am very careful of who has that control over me. There are few who have it, and whether they know it, I have given it to them because I trust them.     Sometimes, the scariest part is knowing that a simple thing from someone can change our demeanor. I was ha

   How long and yet how short this year has been. I have found and fell for it..twice. I have lost and regained it...once. I have continued to believe in it...restlessly.    Facebook has given us applications that have summed up our year in a nice little package to share with our friends. Each radio station has a top 10, 15, 20, or 100 list of the most played songs of the year. Tumblr has a follow forever thread that goes around adding or not adding your name to those that have brought you this years memories of your favorite fandoms and funny or heartfelt pics. In essence, everyone shuts down the year, in their own way, with memories and thoughts that brought them laughter and pain. I was no different.    I was sitting at work, on Wednesday, contemplating my evening and texting a dear friend that lives in the frigid north ;-) She told me, "Put your hand over your heart...that is what matters." And she was right. I needed to remember that I had a beating heart that had emot