"Getting older's not been on my plans"

    Over the last year or so, I have witnessed very visibly my priorities change. I have witnessed the fading of friendships, the gaining of new ones, the change in my mentality which has all been an outward expression of my priorities. We all have them. We all have things that we deem most important, and we even subconsciously rank the things in our life from most important to least.    Wait...harsh? No, just truth. I remember when trying to date the ex, I found he had no time for me...ever! It was so hard to get him to sometimes acknowledge we were in a committed relationship. I had ceased to be a priority in his life. Did I cease to matter? I don't believe so, but I wasn't a top. I needed to be a top...we fizzled and faded. Now, we can talk and resume our relationship as friends. It is nice. I don't hold anything against him nor do I think he against m. We can just be Aly and X.     I bring this up, because over the last year or so ...

   It has been awhile since I picked up a book, and as I lay in bed, last night, I realized just how sad that was. I remembered that I still had a box of books in the back of my car I picked up from my best friend's house several weeks prior. I thought I would rummage in the morning. I would venture to say that most of these books belonged to my brother. Some of titles included, Wise Blood" by Flannery O'Connor, "Screwtape Letters" by C. S. Lewis, "Confessions" by St. Augustine, and one that I had never heard of, "The End of the Affair" by Graham Greene.     Andrew had a love affair with Graham Greene. "The Power and the Glory," a book that Andrew brought home a year or so into his seminary course, was also written by Graham Greene. The premise: the civil war in Tabasco, Mexico in the 1930s. That was the setting. The plot: two priests, the "whiskey priest" and Padre Jose. But it was more than just two characters, it was ab...

   Investing in something that fails is like a small death. This past week, a friend of my mother's had some horrific news that left him almost uncommunicative. They found cancer...for the third time. And, as I was talking to my mom through her tears, I realized that what he was experiencing was a small death, or perhaps a big one...only he will be able to determine that.    I told her he needed to grieve. She said she was afraid he might want to end himself. I told her he had the right to those feelings. Because, at the end, aren't we all entitled to our feelings, no matter how unimaginable they seem? Imagine, you walk into the doctor healthy, but you walk out sick. Imagine you were him. He has just experienced a death of health.     My mother then began to spout things such as, "Back in the day we saw miracles happen all the time. What happened to people getting healed from cancer and sickness. We don't see that anymore." I think we all want t...

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalms 37:4    I guess I thought it has always been easier to just take life with minimal desires, leaving me with a constant state of "eh." For example, marriage... yes or no? "Eh" kids... yes or no? "Eh" set goals or plans in life... yes or no? "Eh"     This scripture came to me after sitting in adoration this afternoon. I was sorta pleading to God to give me what I want, as sadly most everyone does. But, He said he couldn't. He said he couldn't because I didn't know what I wanted. Damn. I guess God has a point doesn't he?      So, I remembered the scripture from memorization long time back. I read it...it makes me feel so inadequate. Delight. Delight means to be happy, right? No. Not exactly. Delight is to have great satisfaction. Delight is to be VERY happy. And David says the Lord should be our delight. Yeah...I am pretty sure I hav...

   It was a sacrament of dying to self. It was a sacrament of remembering mortality. It was a sacrament of giving up a singular identity and taking on the act of community. 38 years ago...today: my parents entered into marriage. They made a promise, no matter how on one side it might have been a fickle decision, they made it, and they stuck with it.    It is a ritual of remembering that we are dust and to dust we shall return. It is a ritual of turning away from sin and returning to the gospel. Today, we celebrate Ash Wednesday: a ritual that allows us the chance to look at our mortality with the a defining lens so that we may examine our soul before Easter.    How apropos that they should fall on the same day this year. When I think of marriage, often the idea of eternity abounds. When I think of Ash Wednesday, often the idea of mortality is present. But, they not only reflect each other, they compliment each other. We see eterni...

   When I decided to write this blog, I knew that I was going to try to write every thing that drove me. I decided I wasn't going to care who read what or when. I was going to be as honest as possible...simply for my own sanity. So, why did I make it public if only to be scared it could be used against me? When I was younger, I always had a fear that someone would read my diary. I had such a fear that I would most often censor myself. And, I think it was for the worse. I swore I wouldn't do that here.     For the most part, I have had little backlash for what I have written. I have been able to write with abandon and trust that people see it as a part of my soul. There was this time, about 7 months ago, I had written a post about the ex, and even though I hadn't spoken to him in months...he invariably texted soon after publishing that particular post. Was this coincidence? Or was it direct response to the post? Whatever it was...I had invited response to m...

   When I have times I can't seem to understand why I am emotional or why I am feeling a certain way that has no bearing on they way I have been, I check my calendar. Because there might be a chance I am in the middle of my ovulation cycle. This is not something I know, but a little app has helped on more than one occasion to help figure out just why random emotions are deciding to invade my life.     I could sit here and write out all the things that are racing through my mind, and then tell you I am ovulating...some might think then that what I feel or think should be unwarranted. But, that is unfair and unkind. I deserve these emotions...I deserve what comes with them. So, what are they?     We kissed. Okay, we kissed a lot. And it was familiar. I had experienced this before. I had felt his lips before...but it had been a long while. And, even though I didn't want it to stop, it wasn't exactly what was on my agenda for the evening. He was...he had been...

   Last night, he sent me a snap of him and his girlfriend. My reaction...indifference. I texted him and told him I thought they were adorable together, and I meant it. He apologized for sending it to me, and whether he meant to or not or it was by accident doesn't matter. I no longer care. Now, I don't mean that as in I don't care about him or his heart or his feelings, I no longer care of what he has to do with my heart or my feelings.    I remember the last time I had a post entitled: "Finally moving on," I had just come from a purging experience and felt the beauty of release. I feel that again. But, the purging has come from my own strength and not the nervous feeling I had when I craved the distance between me and the other person. I think, through being given the opportunity to share in the last several months with brown boy, I have learned more about myself. I still struggle with being comfortable in things, but at least I am willing to admit them....

    For the longest time, I was addicted to pornography. It was the only way I could connect sexually to the outside world. It started when I began watching porn at 13. It was a few years prior to this that I saw my first playgirl magazine. And, it wasn't that I was unaware of the implications of this explicit magazine, it was that I was unaware of the long term damage of it.     I always felt a bit out of place. Granted, I could connect with any guy who wanted to talk about porn because I had seen it all. There wasn't a line I hadn't crossed. The more I watched--the more grotesque it got. But, I was the girl who was addicted to pornography. I always knew it was more taboo as a woman to have said addiction. Therefore, it was much easier to keep secret the problem.     When I think back to what pornography has done for me, I can think of nothing more than a means to fuel the sense of urgency I found to be lacking in my daily love life. I was neve...

          I laid the bright yellow blanket on the ground not wanting to get my pants wet from the melting snow. I had my pack of smokes, cold cup of coffee, and the sacred silence. So, I sat. In compete sacred silence, I sat. But what to say?     If I believed that he hasn't been with me every day, I never would have left the day we interned him. If I believed that he was the remains that lie beneath the earth, I would have spent my afternoon digging the cold ground only to pick up that black box forever then to be carried around. But, he isn't there. He is as close as breathing, and he always will be till the day I see his prefect smile again.     You see, getting older wasn't in his plans. From this day, 34 years ago, till now he will always only be 29. He will be 29 and perfect. Today is Andy's birthday. This day a chubby, bald, imperfect baby was born who grew to be a handsome, caring, imperfect man who lived and loved with almost...

    I was a little nervous him coming. It wasn't that I didn't think we would have fun, but the fact that so much had happened since the last time I had seen him. I will admit...I was a little bit a mess. But, it was like we hadn't skipped a beat. But things were different. When we got out of the car to stand in line, I couldn't hold his hand or touch him as I would have. "He is someone elses. He doesn't belong to you anymore." My inner dialogue was going a million miles an hour.     Ben Howard...the man who has held countless moments of pain and sadness--elation and beauty for me. And, I was going to be seeing him soon. The first time I heard "Depth Over Distance" I was in a bad place. Trying to rectify a situation with someone I thought loved me, but couldn't seem to show me. This song brought me comfort.        "Depth over distance was all I asked of you, and I may be foolish to fall as I do. Still there is strength in the blindness...

   The Patriots had been down for pretty much the entirety of the Super Bowl XLIX. The Seahawks, as I had heard from some were favored to win, but isn't there always a favored to win? And then the play...the last 2 minutes of the game and then the last few moments: sealed the win for the Patriots. Winning...28-21. I didn't watch it.      But, I didn't have to. I have heard and read countless accounts from people all over the country tweeting, posting, and talking about the game and all the highlights. Did I remember all of them? No. I know who won, but I don't and won't remember all of the details. I even heard about the appearance of Missy Elliot at the "awesome" half-time show. I didn't watch it.      His head was bowed, but you could tell he had been hurt. I think that he was wearing orange to make a statement to others around the world. I doubt he had a choice on colour or statement. He was led to a cage of sorts, the kind you...

   When he asked if I could make it home without crying, I told him I could make no promises. I didn't cry. I held it until I was alone--then I broke...again. But, I couldn't seem to figure out why. For what reason were there tears streaming down my face and my breath being caught in my chest in the most painful way? I needed something...I needed focus. I needed peace.     "Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me a sinner." Okay, not the peace I was looking for, but a good centering prayer. Keep searching. "Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee..." No, still not it. Act of contrition: a beautiful prayer, but keep searching. "Our Father, who art in heaven..." No. Something certain I needed. I needed the focus that those certain words could bring. Keep searching.     "Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all. When the mountains seem so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus ...

   When you go through a painful time, there are always hurdles that you must jump over. Some come in the beginning of the pain; some come later. But, they are always there. Sometimes I wish that when we find bad news we could just come to all hurdles at once so the pain isn't as hard. It is like when my brother died. He died...then holidays, then birthdays, then me dating, then this then that...all were hurdles I had to jump.     And, this week, I have hit another hurdle. It was hard losing the brown one. But, I realize I never lost him, we just changed. We had to change. We knew we had to. Then, the moment I found out he was moving on. Bam...hurdle! Fuck! I was somewhat prepared for it. Somewhat...     "Just move on, Aly. Don't you see that it was going to happen. It was inevitable. It was going to happen. Why can't you get over it?" I am. I will. I will jump. I have to jump. Just...bear with me.     My biggest fear is/was...