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Forgotten memories

   When you go through a painful time, there are always hurdles that you must jump over. Some come in the beginning of the pain; some come later. But, they are always there. Sometimes I wish that when we find bad news we could just come to all hurdles at once so the pain isn't as hard. It is like when my brother died. He died...then holidays, then birthdays, then me dating, then this then that...all were hurdles I had to jump.
    And, this week, I have hit another hurdle. It was hard losing the brown one. But, I realize I never lost him, we just changed. We had to change. We knew we had to. Then, the moment I found out he was moving on. Bam...hurdle! Fuck! I was somewhat prepared for it. Somewhat...
    "Just move on, Aly. Don't you see that it was going to happen. It was inevitable. It was going to happen. Why can't you get over it?" I am. I will. I will jump. I have to jump. Just...bear with me.
    My biggest fear is/was this: that the moments we shared (he and I) would cease to be important. They would cease to be something that he would care to remember. I don't want to become a forgotten memory. This isn't the case. They are memories, good memories, and they will always be ours. I know this. Again, I feel that disconnect between the head and the heart. I mentally know that things are okay, and this will be fine. My heart is hurt. My heart wants to rip itself out of my chest and scream running the other direction from reality.
    I can't do that. What I must do is move on. What I want to do is curl up in the fetal position. I can't do that. As I write this I feel a healing. I feel myself getting ready--gaining momentum to jump over that hurdle. It isn't like I fear the jump, it is more that I fear the hurdle itself...will she be as awesome as me? Will she care for him as I did/do? Will she connect with him as I did/do? Will she be better than me? Will I be able to fully let him go?
    Seriously?! I have these doubts?! I hope she cares for him as I do! I hope that she connects with him! I hope that she will be better for him than I was! I will fully let him go! I should and do want what is best for the brown one! I want them so desperately! I want him to be so happy that he can't think of anything else! And... I want to be around to see the smile that she brings to his face!
    So, I am going to jump. I am going to jump and clear the hurdle knowing that on the other side I will be met by his beautiful smile and him holding her hand. And I am going to smile. Because he deserves no less from me. From a best friend to another...he deserves the best. Gonna jump now...

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