#pornkillslove

    For the longest time, I was addicted to pornography. It was the only way I could connect sexually to the outside world. It started when I began watching porn at 13. It was a few years prior to this that I saw my first playgirl magazine. And, it wasn't that I was unaware of the implications of this explicit magazine, it was that I was unaware of the long term damage of it.
    I always felt a bit out of place. Granted, I could connect with any guy who wanted to talk about porn because I had seen it all. There wasn't a line I hadn't crossed. The more I watched--the more grotesque it got. But, I was the girl who was addicted to pornography. I always knew it was more taboo as a woman to have said addiction. Therefore, it was much easier to keep secret the problem.
    When I think back to what pornography has done for me, I can think of nothing more than a means to fuel the sense of urgency I found to be lacking in my daily love life. I was never one to openly speak of my relationships or lack thereof, but what you didn't see was the relationship I had implicitly with myself. I had at one point thought that I didn't need to connect intimately with a man because I had all I needed at my disposal. The older I got, the more I realized this wasn't the case.
     I am no virgin to masturbation. I am no virgin to the sexual acts that take place on any given free sex website. However, for the longest time, I was a virgin to what true sexual love was. They say sin has a root. They say that sin will not originate out of thin air, and they were right. I have been a slave to a sin that took hold long before I made an appearance on this earth. But, does this excuse me from the dangers or ramifications of said sin? No.
    It wasn't until I realized what true sexual love was, that I saw the sickness that came with pornography. How is it that we expect men to respect women in the area of the bedroom when all he sees is a man who wants his woman to be thin, big-breasted, and willing to perform fellatio at any moment and as long as he wants? How do we expect women to understand what true sex is if all she sees is the need to perform the way a man wants her to at any given moment and for as long as he wants? In my mind, I knew how to perfectly please a man because I had memorized all acts, noises, and pleasure zones. Or, so I thought...
    There are all types of porornography. There is something that will cater to any person with any desire. But, I speak about the most mainstream pornography: heterosexual misogyny. I do not write this to claim that radical sex is wrong, because I don't believe it is. It is about respecting sex for what it is meant to be: an act of selfless love. I have come to see that if we try to separate sex and love we have true emptiness. Not one time after seeking ultimate pleasure with pornography did it leave me fulfilled or satisfied. More times did I get fulfillment from connecting with a good friend, a family member or a lover with just good, intimate conversation.
    Just recently, I have seen a big jump in the area of speaking out against pornography. I have seen it all over Facebook and other social media sites. I even recently read an article about men who watch porn being unable to connect to a true human sexual relationships. Who actually wants to not be able to sexually connect with the person they hold at night in their bed? Who actually wants to not be able to perform a sexual act with the person they have given their life to? I admit this scares me a bit. Do I think I will be unable to connect sexually with my partner? Not yet...but if I were to continue with only connecting with an invisible couple having sex without me, I might.
    I think God wants me to be married. I think God wants me to be truly intimate with a man. I think God wants me to understand what true love and sex are, but continuing to explore the unrealistic life of the porn industry will not get me there. Here is to truly understanding that #pornkillslove