When he asked if I could make it home without crying, I told him I could make no promises. I didn't cry. I held it until I was alone--then I broke...again. But, I couldn't seem to figure out why. For what reason were there tears streaming down my face and my breath being caught in my chest in the most painful way? I needed something...I needed focus. I needed peace.
"Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me a sinner." Okay, not the peace I was looking for, but a good centering prayer. Keep searching. "Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee..." No, still not it. Act of contrition: a beautiful prayer, but keep searching. "Our Father, who art in heaven..." No. Something certain I needed. I needed the focus that those certain words could bring. Keep searching.
"Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all. When the mountains seem so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory won't You be my Prince of Peace!" YES! I found it! This is what I needed. It would be Rich that would soothe my heart as I prayed effortlessly for peace.
Then I remembered that I wasn't alone. I didn't have to just ask Christ for His peace. I could ask Andrew to pray for me. I asked the Virgin Mother, St. Joseph, St. Catherine, St. Elizabeth, St. George, St. Andrew, St. Peter, St. Paul. St. Hildegard, St. Therese, St. Katherine, St. Felicity, St. Perpetua, St. Jude, St. Michael, St. Raphael, St. Jermone, St. Augustine, St. Ignatius, St. Benedict, St. Scholastica, St. Doiminic, St. Francis...
I had almost forgot that I had the entirety of heaven at my disposal. I was so far from being alone that I could ask the greatest examples of Christ's love to pray on my behalf. I had Christ...but I also had the whole of heaven. It made me realize this: how easy it is to forget that we have the litany of the Saints, and how unalone we are.
Sometimes, it is easy to be shut up in ourselves. It isn't that I am afraid to reach out...it is just a matter of who I can reach out to. The Saints. Always the Saints: those who breathe the very presence of God. Those that have proven to have overcome the daily turmoil that plagues and stresses us. These are the ones we have at our disposal.
I woke with such peace this morning. I remember when Andy died, I was at a peace, and I truly couldn't understand why. How was it that when the greatest died...I could still function? Because of the peace that passes all understanding. I had it. I have it again. It was mine. It is mine again. And this morning, as I was getting ready for work, I had this thought, "How can I expect to do anything on my own, that when it falls apart it is then that I ask for God to come fix it?" If I can't do something with Him, how can I be expected to have Him come when it all falls apart? The sad part...is that He shouldn't have to. The beauty...is that He will. And He has come...
"Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me a sinner." Okay, not the peace I was looking for, but a good centering prayer. Keep searching. "Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee..." No, still not it. Act of contrition: a beautiful prayer, but keep searching. "Our Father, who art in heaven..." No. Something certain I needed. I needed the focus that those certain words could bring. Keep searching.
"Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all. When the mountains seem so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory won't You be my Prince of Peace!" YES! I found it! This is what I needed. It would be Rich that would soothe my heart as I prayed effortlessly for peace.
Then I remembered that I wasn't alone. I didn't have to just ask Christ for His peace. I could ask Andrew to pray for me. I asked the Virgin Mother, St. Joseph, St. Catherine, St. Elizabeth, St. George, St. Andrew, St. Peter, St. Paul. St. Hildegard, St. Therese, St. Katherine, St. Felicity, St. Perpetua, St. Jude, St. Michael, St. Raphael, St. Jermone, St. Augustine, St. Ignatius, St. Benedict, St. Scholastica, St. Doiminic, St. Francis...
I had almost forgot that I had the entirety of heaven at my disposal. I was so far from being alone that I could ask the greatest examples of Christ's love to pray on my behalf. I had Christ...but I also had the whole of heaven. It made me realize this: how easy it is to forget that we have the litany of the Saints, and how unalone we are.
Sometimes, it is easy to be shut up in ourselves. It isn't that I am afraid to reach out...it is just a matter of who I can reach out to. The Saints. Always the Saints: those who breathe the very presence of God. Those that have proven to have overcome the daily turmoil that plagues and stresses us. These are the ones we have at our disposal.
I woke with such peace this morning. I remember when Andy died, I was at a peace, and I truly couldn't understand why. How was it that when the greatest died...I could still function? Because of the peace that passes all understanding. I had it. I have it again. It was mine. It is mine again. And this morning, as I was getting ready for work, I had this thought, "How can I expect to do anything on my own, that when it falls apart it is then that I ask for God to come fix it?" If I can't do something with Him, how can I be expected to have Him come when it all falls apart? The sad part...is that He shouldn't have to. The beauty...is that He will. And He has come...
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