Over the last year or so, I have witnessed very visibly my priorities change. I have witnessed the fading of friendships, the gaining of new ones, the change in my mentality which has all been an outward expression of my priorities. We all have them. We all have things that we deem most important, and we even subconsciously rank the things in our life from most important to least.
Wait...harsh? No, just truth. I remember when trying to date the ex, I found he had no time for me...ever! It was so hard to get him to sometimes acknowledge we were in a committed relationship. I had ceased to be a priority in his life. Did I cease to matter? I don't believe so, but I wasn't a top. I needed to be a top...we fizzled and faded. Now, we can talk and resume our relationship as friends. It is nice. I don't hold anything against him nor do I think he against m. We can just be Aly and X.
I bring this up, because over the last year or so I have also fizzled and faded from some very close relationships. Do/did I cease to care? No! But, I have been morphing into something and someone different. Not for the worse, and most hopefully for the better. But, more importantly because my path has changed. When I was younger, I had a steady amount of friends. The older I get the more friends I wish to make and the more time I wish I had to give to said friends.
I can't though. I only have so much time. I only have so any hours and free moments that are not spent working, sleeping, or dedicated to the church. And, where I spend those hours expresses my priorities. As a single person, I tend to be sporadic with my time. I hardly plan things in advanced, unless I am trying to fit in all of my friends in a single week. As of late, I have spent a great deal of time around one main focus, and it has cost me a great deal.
Sometimes I wonder how much damage I do on a daily basis with my priorities where they are now. Sometimes I wonder how irreparable the damage is if I continue this way. Sometimes I wonder if I should drop my focus and retrain my path. But, in the long run...who would benefit? I have been accused by more than just one person, probably because it is true, that I have a tendency to do what I want. That I carry this "fuck it all except what I want" attitude. I have no doubt that that is true. I do. I do have that attitude.
But, why? Is it because I have read so many articles that tell me no one will love me or care for me as I do for myself? Is it because I have seen so many memes that tell me to watch out for myself? What is it? Is it because I am the youngest? Is it because I am now the only? Do I have to have an excuse? I don't think so. But, if one is required of me, I can come up with one.
It is all just to say this...my priorities have greatly changed over the last 4 years and even the last year and a half and then in the last few weeks. It has been evident by where I spend my time and what I focus my thoughts on. It was brought to my attention the other day that because of this change that my lack of concern or care for this person was hurtful and bothersome. Talk about a slap in the face. I never meant to cause derision between me and this person. In fact, I have known this person very intimately for at least 6 or 7 years, and I assumed that they would understand where I was putting my priorities. I had to walk away speechless.
It seems to always be a thing with me. It seems to be a thing I will never be able to fix. Oh well... my actions have expressed my priorities. The quote, and I will butcher it, is something like this: we will always find time for the important things. What I fail to believe about this quote is that the things we don't "have" or "make" time for are deemed unimportant. No. That is not the case. Just somethings, for whatever reason, are bumped up in the list...or, even down.
Wait...harsh? No, just truth. I remember when trying to date the ex, I found he had no time for me...ever! It was so hard to get him to sometimes acknowledge we were in a committed relationship. I had ceased to be a priority in his life. Did I cease to matter? I don't believe so, but I wasn't a top. I needed to be a top...we fizzled and faded. Now, we can talk and resume our relationship as friends. It is nice. I don't hold anything against him nor do I think he against m. We can just be Aly and X.
I bring this up, because over the last year or so I have also fizzled and faded from some very close relationships. Do/did I cease to care? No! But, I have been morphing into something and someone different. Not for the worse, and most hopefully for the better. But, more importantly because my path has changed. When I was younger, I had a steady amount of friends. The older I get the more friends I wish to make and the more time I wish I had to give to said friends.
I can't though. I only have so much time. I only have so any hours and free moments that are not spent working, sleeping, or dedicated to the church. And, where I spend those hours expresses my priorities. As a single person, I tend to be sporadic with my time. I hardly plan things in advanced, unless I am trying to fit in all of my friends in a single week. As of late, I have spent a great deal of time around one main focus, and it has cost me a great deal.
Sometimes I wonder how much damage I do on a daily basis with my priorities where they are now. Sometimes I wonder how irreparable the damage is if I continue this way. Sometimes I wonder if I should drop my focus and retrain my path. But, in the long run...who would benefit? I have been accused by more than just one person, probably because it is true, that I have a tendency to do what I want. That I carry this "fuck it all except what I want" attitude. I have no doubt that that is true. I do. I do have that attitude.
But, why? Is it because I have read so many articles that tell me no one will love me or care for me as I do for myself? Is it because I have seen so many memes that tell me to watch out for myself? What is it? Is it because I am the youngest? Is it because I am now the only? Do I have to have an excuse? I don't think so. But, if one is required of me, I can come up with one.
It is all just to say this...my priorities have greatly changed over the last 4 years and even the last year and a half and then in the last few weeks. It has been evident by where I spend my time and what I focus my thoughts on. It was brought to my attention the other day that because of this change that my lack of concern or care for this person was hurtful and bothersome. Talk about a slap in the face. I never meant to cause derision between me and this person. In fact, I have known this person very intimately for at least 6 or 7 years, and I assumed that they would understand where I was putting my priorities. I had to walk away speechless.
It seems to always be a thing with me. It seems to be a thing I will never be able to fix. Oh well... my actions have expressed my priorities. The quote, and I will butcher it, is something like this: we will always find time for the important things. What I fail to believe about this quote is that the things we don't "have" or "make" time for are deemed unimportant. No. That is not the case. Just somethings, for whatever reason, are bumped up in the list...or, even down.
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