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Brown boy and Ben Howard

    I was a little nervous him coming. It wasn't that I didn't think we would have fun, but the fact that so much had happened since the last time I had seen him. I will admit...I was a little bit a mess. But, it was like we hadn't skipped a beat. But things were different. When we got out of the car to stand in line, I couldn't hold his hand or touch him as I would have. "He is someone elses. He doesn't belong to you anymore." My inner dialogue was going a million miles an hour.
    Ben Howard...the man who has held countless moments of pain and sadness--elation and beauty for me. And, I was going to be seeing him soon. The first time I heard "Depth Over Distance" I was in a bad place. Trying to rectify a situation with someone I thought loved me, but couldn't seem to show me. This song brought me comfort.
       "Depth over distance was all I asked of you, and I may be foolish to fall as I do. Still there is strength in the blindness you fear..."
    But this was different. This was a different Ben Howard and a different Aly. This time "End of the Affair" was screaming at me.
        "Living with out her, living at all...seems to slow me down. Living forever, living at all, do I care..."
    Here I stood, waiting in line to see the man I want to see the most with the man who was no longer mine--what a dichotomous situation. But it didn't keep me from being excited. There was a trio of people who stood behind us in line. Their comments on our relationship were entertaining. "Is this your first date? Wait, no second." "Ah, this is true love." "Or, this could be the date after the break-up that determines if you are gonna make it as friends." And, with every comment, he and I shared a smile and giggle. But, they got it. This was the test after the end. This was the end of the affair...could we make it?
    It was beautiful. All of it. The moment Ben Howard stepped on stage, I cried. I couldn't help. I felt passionately connected with this man and the one standing next to me. I will admit I had many a moment last night. The venue, the brown one, the man singing to my soul...all reasons to overflow my heart with memories of gladness and sadness. I couldn't have asked for a better time. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be standing next to me as the words, "I will become what I deserve," or "Hello, love, my invincible friend. Hello love, the thistle and the burr. Hello, love, for you I have so many words, but I forget where we were."
    This is the way I wanted to spend my night: healing and feeling complete. Grasping the hand of the one who held a bit of my love, but mentally giving him to someone else...this is the way Ben Howard would want it. Love: the invincible and incorruptible true perfect thing in life. What a great night.

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