Skip to main content

Brown boy and Ben Howard

    I was a little nervous him coming. It wasn't that I didn't think we would have fun, but the fact that so much had happened since the last time I had seen him. I will admit...I was a little bit a mess. But, it was like we hadn't skipped a beat. But things were different. When we got out of the car to stand in line, I couldn't hold his hand or touch him as I would have. "He is someone elses. He doesn't belong to you anymore." My inner dialogue was going a million miles an hour.
    Ben Howard...the man who has held countless moments of pain and sadness--elation and beauty for me. And, I was going to be seeing him soon. The first time I heard "Depth Over Distance" I was in a bad place. Trying to rectify a situation with someone I thought loved me, but couldn't seem to show me. This song brought me comfort.
       "Depth over distance was all I asked of you, and I may be foolish to fall as I do. Still there is strength in the blindness you fear..."
    But this was different. This was a different Ben Howard and a different Aly. This time "End of the Affair" was screaming at me.
        "Living with out her, living at all...seems to slow me down. Living forever, living at all, do I care..."
    Here I stood, waiting in line to see the man I want to see the most with the man who was no longer mine--what a dichotomous situation. But it didn't keep me from being excited. There was a trio of people who stood behind us in line. Their comments on our relationship were entertaining. "Is this your first date? Wait, no second." "Ah, this is true love." "Or, this could be the date after the break-up that determines if you are gonna make it as friends." And, with every comment, he and I shared a smile and giggle. But, they got it. This was the test after the end. This was the end of the affair...could we make it?
    It was beautiful. All of it. The moment Ben Howard stepped on stage, I cried. I couldn't help. I felt passionately connected with this man and the one standing next to me. I will admit I had many a moment last night. The venue, the brown one, the man singing to my soul...all reasons to overflow my heart with memories of gladness and sadness. I couldn't have asked for a better time. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be standing next to me as the words, "I will become what I deserve," or "Hello, love, my invincible friend. Hello love, the thistle and the burr. Hello, love, for you I have so many words, but I forget where we were."
    This is the way I wanted to spend my night: healing and feeling complete. Grasping the hand of the one who held a bit of my love, but mentally giving him to someone else...this is the way Ben Howard would want it. Love: the invincible and incorruptible true perfect thing in life. What a great night.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beneath the Weeping Willow

  "The willow submits to the wind and prospers until one day it is many willows—a wall against the wind. This is the willow's purpose." —  Frank Herbert, Dune   Time, although a very evasive concept, is in each moment a gift. And most often, I don't stop to look back at the road I have traveled on. Even more so, the road Justin and I have travelled together. But today it is warranted. Today marks 9 years as husband and wife, and 9 years of truly some amazing and adverse moments. We have lost the most cherished and birthed the most loved all the while interwoven with each other.    I will be the first to admit that our day to day appears to some: mundane. However, inside the ordinary he and I together have understood the profundity of love. It is brash and loud, but it is also cautious and quiet.  "Love is a many splendored thing."  It is the true basis of community, and I am proud of the community we have built.   The  willow  is the t...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Breath of Life

   "I c-c-c-can't stop shaking." "Oh, that is normal," he said as he looked down at me before he peered back over the blue medical sheet in front of my face. I couldn't. I just couldn't stop the incessant shaking. The moment of welcoming my son had played out in my head everyday for the last 10 months, and I promise, this was NOT it.   We arrived 30 hours prior, and my utopistic idea of induction had not come true.    "There are only a few reasons we would revert to a cesarean section... 1. He is under stress. 2. I am under stress. 3. He isn't progressing after some time, but chances are we won't get there."    So, after 22 hours of quite intense labor, I found myself being prepped for a c-section. I'll be the first to admit, my words of, "We will do what we have to do to have a healthy baby," seemed so far gone now. I wasn't sure emotionally how I had gotten this far, or even how I would get further.   "We are go...
1 comment
Read more

Being his girlfriend

"Are you happy being my girlfriend?" He asks. In all seriousness. In all honesty. He asks. Never once have I been asked such a damned difficult question. Never once have I been asked that slight simple question. Never once have I been asked THAT question.   Immediately, my head goes a thousand different directions. I want to give him the most honest answer. But lately I feel as though I am trying to quantity my happiness. Yes. I. Am. Happy. But what is happiness? Am I? Can I honestly say that I am happy? I don't know.   Before I make an ass out of myself, I must say this: not one time in the history of Aly and men has she ever felt like her significant other was shelter. You know that line from Finding Nemo where Dory says to Marlin, "When I look at you, I remember. When I look at you, I am home." That's the way I feel when I am in his arms. Home. Perhaps it best not to tell him such a bold thought, but it's true.   Back to this question. Am I happy b...
3 comments
Read more