Skip to main content

Brown boy and Ben Howard

    I was a little nervous him coming. It wasn't that I didn't think we would have fun, but the fact that so much had happened since the last time I had seen him. I will admit...I was a little bit a mess. But, it was like we hadn't skipped a beat. But things were different. When we got out of the car to stand in line, I couldn't hold his hand or touch him as I would have. "He is someone elses. He doesn't belong to you anymore." My inner dialogue was going a million miles an hour.
    Ben Howard...the man who has held countless moments of pain and sadness--elation and beauty for me. And, I was going to be seeing him soon. The first time I heard "Depth Over Distance" I was in a bad place. Trying to rectify a situation with someone I thought loved me, but couldn't seem to show me. This song brought me comfort.
       "Depth over distance was all I asked of you, and I may be foolish to fall as I do. Still there is strength in the blindness you fear..."
    But this was different. This was a different Ben Howard and a different Aly. This time "End of the Affair" was screaming at me.
        "Living with out her, living at all...seems to slow me down. Living forever, living at all, do I care..."
    Here I stood, waiting in line to see the man I want to see the most with the man who was no longer mine--what a dichotomous situation. But it didn't keep me from being excited. There was a trio of people who stood behind us in line. Their comments on our relationship were entertaining. "Is this your first date? Wait, no second." "Ah, this is true love." "Or, this could be the date after the break-up that determines if you are gonna make it as friends." And, with every comment, he and I shared a smile and giggle. But, they got it. This was the test after the end. This was the end of the affair...could we make it?
    It was beautiful. All of it. The moment Ben Howard stepped on stage, I cried. I couldn't help. I felt passionately connected with this man and the one standing next to me. I will admit I had many a moment last night. The venue, the brown one, the man singing to my soul...all reasons to overflow my heart with memories of gladness and sadness. I couldn't have asked for a better time. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be standing next to me as the words, "I will become what I deserve," or "Hello, love, my invincible friend. Hello love, the thistle and the burr. Hello, love, for you I have so many words, but I forget where we were."
    This is the way I wanted to spend my night: healing and feeling complete. Grasping the hand of the one who held a bit of my love, but mentally giving him to someone else...this is the way Ben Howard would want it. Love: the invincible and incorruptible true perfect thing in life. What a great night.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beneath the Weeping Willow

  "The willow submits to the wind and prospers until one day it is many willows—a wall against the wind. This is the willow's purpose." —  Frank Herbert, Dune   Time, although a very evasive concept, is in each moment a gift. And most often, I don't stop to look back at the road I have traveled on. Even more so, the road Justin and I have travelled together. But today it is warranted. Today marks 9 years as husband and wife, and 9 years of truly some amazing and adverse moments. We have lost the most cherished and birthed the most loved all the while interwoven with each other.    I will be the first to admit that our day to day appears to some: mundane. However, inside the ordinary he and I together have understood the profundity of love. It is brash and loud, but it is also cautious and quiet.  "Love is a many splendored thing."  It is the true basis of community, and I am proud of the community we have built.   The  willow  is the t...
Post a Comment
Read more

A human mirror

  I look at myself, a lot. I think it has something to do with the fact that I didn't think myself attractive for a long time. Now, I can look at myself even when someone else is in the bathroom. Before, I entered with head bowed and left the same. There are times when I look at myself 3 times before I leave. Most of the time, I focus on one aspect of myself: my eyes, my hair, my waist line, my clothes...something. I can see how this seems egotistical, but perhaps I am making up for lost mirror time.   However, I can only remember one time that I actually looked into the mirror to see something deeper than my outward appearance. And it scared me. I honestly didn't think it was possible to look into the mirror and truly see oneself. It always seemed so cliché. Until I did it.   That was 4 months ago. The moment I decided to walk away from a "relationship" that was nothing more than a confusing drag. It held me bound and clipped the wings I knew God had given me to f...
Post a Comment
Read more

It's the underlying peace...

For some reason, dating my first boyfriend was hard. I was 21; he was 18. We were together for maybe 2 months. I am even reluctant to call him my boyfriend. Classic story of he wanted me; I was bored...voila. And not too long before I broke it off, I found myself in the sacristy talking to my then pastor. I was confused and hurt. I honestly can't even remember why. But he changed me that day.   He told me this: when he was discerning the priesthood two weeks prior to ordination, he struggled. He struggled so much he was beginning to believe his choice of vocation was wrong. His spiritual director at the time told him to pray. He told him to spend one solid week praying as though he was going to leave formation. Leaning all prayer toward that thought. Then, he told him to pray the next solid week as though he was going to stay and become the priest that he believed, at one point, he was supposed to be.   And as he prayed, he struggled. His mind wanted to wander and his desire...
Post a Comment
Read more