Skip to main content

Brown boy and Ben Howard

    I was a little nervous him coming. It wasn't that I didn't think we would have fun, but the fact that so much had happened since the last time I had seen him. I will admit...I was a little bit a mess. But, it was like we hadn't skipped a beat. But things were different. When we got out of the car to stand in line, I couldn't hold his hand or touch him as I would have. "He is someone elses. He doesn't belong to you anymore." My inner dialogue was going a million miles an hour.
    Ben Howard...the man who has held countless moments of pain and sadness--elation and beauty for me. And, I was going to be seeing him soon. The first time I heard "Depth Over Distance" I was in a bad place. Trying to rectify a situation with someone I thought loved me, but couldn't seem to show me. This song brought me comfort.
       "Depth over distance was all I asked of you, and I may be foolish to fall as I do. Still there is strength in the blindness you fear..."
    But this was different. This was a different Ben Howard and a different Aly. This time "End of the Affair" was screaming at me.
        "Living with out her, living at all...seems to slow me down. Living forever, living at all, do I care..."
    Here I stood, waiting in line to see the man I want to see the most with the man who was no longer mine--what a dichotomous situation. But it didn't keep me from being excited. There was a trio of people who stood behind us in line. Their comments on our relationship were entertaining. "Is this your first date? Wait, no second." "Ah, this is true love." "Or, this could be the date after the break-up that determines if you are gonna make it as friends." And, with every comment, he and I shared a smile and giggle. But, they got it. This was the test after the end. This was the end of the affair...could we make it?
    It was beautiful. All of it. The moment Ben Howard stepped on stage, I cried. I couldn't help. I felt passionately connected with this man and the one standing next to me. I will admit I had many a moment last night. The venue, the brown one, the man singing to my soul...all reasons to overflow my heart with memories of gladness and sadness. I couldn't have asked for a better time. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be standing next to me as the words, "I will become what I deserve," or "Hello, love, my invincible friend. Hello love, the thistle and the burr. Hello, love, for you I have so many words, but I forget where we were."
    This is the way I wanted to spend my night: healing and feeling complete. Grasping the hand of the one who held a bit of my love, but mentally giving him to someone else...this is the way Ben Howard would want it. Love: the invincible and incorruptible true perfect thing in life. What a great night.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tiger must stay in your backpack...

   I'm not that parent. The one who gloats too much, and shows off all the pictures. The parent who relays every detail of their kid to let others know how incredible I think they are. Perhaps it is a flaw. Who knows. And I also pride myself in not being a helicopter parent. I teach and let go. I discipline and let go.    And I thought I would be ready for this: first day of Pre-K. I have been very positive and uplifting and have wanted my son to be extra ready to go to school. We have talked about it for months! I am ready... Or so I thought.  This morning, as white boy was leaving to take them to daycare, he said to Owen, "You can't take Tiger to school tomorrow or he will have to stay in your backpack, so do you want to take him to daycare today?" I thought little of it, but as Owen threw him down on the ground and turned to head out the door, my throat hitched. "Are you sure you don't want to take him today?" He said no. It was a sense of finality.  ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sacred Requiem

  He handed me the hymnal and asked me if I was ready...if I could do this. To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing. I had never planned a funeral, and even if I had imagined planning one it sure wasn't this early in life and it sure wasn't for my only brother, my only sibling. At 25, I felt like a little child getting left behind in a sea of strangers. I was terrified.   2 days prior, my heart stopped beating. 2 short days before this, my peaceful world collided with the dark. And now I had to prepare for the world to say goodbye to greatness. The tree fell in the woods and the world shook with its sudden end. And we, as the collective, needed to imagine that very tree as the beautiful piece of woodwork it now was and bow to it's new exulted shape.   I wasn't sure how to plan a requiem. But, it had been placed in my hands and I wanted to give him the best I could. He deserved it. He deserved life...to live...to breathe still and chase every dream he thought into...
Post a Comment
Read more

"To be or not to be..."

   In the famous lines from Act 3 Scene 1 in Shakespeare's Hamlet, we hear the contemplation of suicide: "To be or not to be...that is the question." And what a powerful question that is.    All over social media we have been privy to the not so secret decision made by Brittany Maynard to end her life. And what a horrifically tragic story this is. So what is the right attitude or stance we should have concerning this beauitful, young girl who decided to take her life?    I remember several years back I watched a documentary on Dr. Kevorkian aka Dr. Death. It was a look into his methods of assisted suicide. And as I watched this video I couldn't help but mentally stand behind the actions of this doctor. And up until the point he made it a political issue, I supported him. I still do.    Now, whether you think one way or another, let me say one thing...I don't think suicide is God's perfect will for our lives, but His perfect will wasn't for Brit...
Post a Comment
Read more