Last night, he sent me a snap of him and his girlfriend. My reaction...indifference. I texted him and told him I thought they were adorable together, and I meant it. He apologized for sending it to me, and whether he meant to or not or it was by accident doesn't matter. I no longer care. Now, I don't mean that as in I don't care about him or his heart or his feelings, I no longer care of what he has to do with my heart or my feelings.
I remember the last time I had a post entitled: "Finally moving on," I had just come from a purging experience and felt the beauty of release. I feel that again. But, the purging has come from my own strength and not the nervous feeling I had when I craved the distance between me and the other person. I think, through being given the opportunity to share in the last several months with brown boy, I have learned more about myself. I still struggle with being comfortable in things, but at least I am willing to admit them.
I am tired of dredging up the past with him. It happened. It is over. Done. Finite. So, what happened today? It was brought up. But, I think there will always be a small part of me that wants to bring it up. Even though I am not responsible this time...I have been in the past. Why will I always wish? Because I feel no sense of clarity how things ended. Something he told me at the concert this weekend, "That was the thing, you didn't trust me." Perhaps not...perhaps I didn't. Perhaps I always had a false sense of security with him.
But, so what? I would like to say that I am secure enough in myself that I didn't need that in someone else. However, I wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I have moments that I acted like a complete fuck up too. I think someone should make a pair of binoculars out of my eyes so that he can finally see through my perspective. And then me through his. Because as much as I hate relativity...perspective is nothing but relative.
There is a line of which I never want to cross again with him...bringing up the past. It is too painful and not something that we will ever reconcile. And, I am okay with that. If I were meant to be in a long term relationship with brown boy, then we would have worked it out. We could have been able to set aside all that hurt and suffering and just simply embraced the good and beautiful. Here we are...apart: no longer together...and we are better for it. We had okay times, good times, great times, and spectacular times, and a few hard ones. All which made us friends with unspeakable memories.
This is it. This post is the end. I am moving on. I am planning soon to make another grand gesture that could render me completely vulnerable and a bit scared. I did it once before, but this time I am not as young or weak as I once was. I ask for your prayers.
I woke with the explicit feeling of genuine peace. Why? Because I didn't lose anything...I never did. I gained a brown best friend. Isn't that enough? Of course...it is more than I could ask for. Perhaps more than I deserve.
I remember the last time I had a post entitled: "Finally moving on," I had just come from a purging experience and felt the beauty of release. I feel that again. But, the purging has come from my own strength and not the nervous feeling I had when I craved the distance between me and the other person. I think, through being given the opportunity to share in the last several months with brown boy, I have learned more about myself. I still struggle with being comfortable in things, but at least I am willing to admit them.
I am tired of dredging up the past with him. It happened. It is over. Done. Finite. So, what happened today? It was brought up. But, I think there will always be a small part of me that wants to bring it up. Even though I am not responsible this time...I have been in the past. Why will I always wish? Because I feel no sense of clarity how things ended. Something he told me at the concert this weekend, "That was the thing, you didn't trust me." Perhaps not...perhaps I didn't. Perhaps I always had a false sense of security with him.
But, so what? I would like to say that I am secure enough in myself that I didn't need that in someone else. However, I wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I have moments that I acted like a complete fuck up too. I think someone should make a pair of binoculars out of my eyes so that he can finally see through my perspective. And then me through his. Because as much as I hate relativity...perspective is nothing but relative.
There is a line of which I never want to cross again with him...bringing up the past. It is too painful and not something that we will ever reconcile. And, I am okay with that. If I were meant to be in a long term relationship with brown boy, then we would have worked it out. We could have been able to set aside all that hurt and suffering and just simply embraced the good and beautiful. Here we are...apart: no longer together...and we are better for it. We had okay times, good times, great times, and spectacular times, and a few hard ones. All which made us friends with unspeakable memories.
This is it. This post is the end. I am moving on. I am planning soon to make another grand gesture that could render me completely vulnerable and a bit scared. I did it once before, but this time I am not as young or weak as I once was. I ask for your prayers.
I woke with the explicit feeling of genuine peace. Why? Because I didn't lose anything...I never did. I gained a brown best friend. Isn't that enough? Of course...it is more than I could ask for. Perhaps more than I deserve.
Comments
Post a Comment