When I have times I can't seem to understand why I am emotional or why I am feeling a certain way that has no bearing on they way I have been, I check my calendar. Because there might be a chance I am in the middle of my ovulation cycle. This is not something I know, but a little app has helped on more than one occasion to help figure out just why random emotions are deciding to invade my life.
I could sit here and write out all the things that are racing through my mind, and then tell you I am ovulating...some might think then that what I feel or think should be unwarranted. But, that is unfair and unkind. I deserve these emotions...I deserve what comes with them. So, what are they?
We kissed. Okay, we kissed a lot. And it was familiar. I had experienced this before. I had felt his lips before...but it had been a long while. And, even though I didn't want it to stop, it wasn't exactly what was on my agenda for the evening. He was...he had been on my agenda for the last 12 days out of 2 weeks, but not necessarily like this. I didn't and don't want to end up in the same position I found myself with him oh so long ago.
However, I don't believe that will be the case. I honestly think that he and I will end up differently than before. So, where is that? Who the fuck knows. But, I am not running around looking for the "A & J" finish line. I figure if we are meant to continue to be in each other's lives then it will happen. He and I are much different people than we were the first time around. Yes, I will admit that his kisses are familiar and were missed. His attention to details were long shut away but brought back and celebrated.
This time...as I told him I was scared he might run away again leaving me to take said feelings and lock them up placing them on the shelves ONCE AGAIN, he said it was us--and he wasn't going anywhere. Sure, I trust that. Things are different. We are different. There is one thing I refuse to do this time or anytime again...be a secret. Be a kissed lover in the shadows of the house and a friend in the daylight of the world. Be a confidante in most things but not in the most important things. Be a distraction from the fact that one day they will have to grow up--but not right now--and I can help pretend that that day doesn't exist. Be an after-thought. Be anything but what I deserve.
Now, wait! Before anyone thinks that this was or is the relationship I have with J you must not believe so...because it is isn't/wasn't. Or, at least most of it wasn't/isn't. What this is is a litany of things I can't do for another again. The last year and a half have been spent building my own dignity and having parts of it chipped away. But, I can't settle or allow myself to be anyone but me again. I refuse to be molded into a shape that completely disregards what I hope, believe, or think. I happen to think that this time around...I will have no worries.
All these things are important, all these things I deserve and will have. All these things I will graciously return to the other person who holds my heart. And I will believe these things to be true even after Monday when I stop ovulating.
I could sit here and write out all the things that are racing through my mind, and then tell you I am ovulating...some might think then that what I feel or think should be unwarranted. But, that is unfair and unkind. I deserve these emotions...I deserve what comes with them. So, what are they?
We kissed. Okay, we kissed a lot. And it was familiar. I had experienced this before. I had felt his lips before...but it had been a long while. And, even though I didn't want it to stop, it wasn't exactly what was on my agenda for the evening. He was...he had been on my agenda for the last 12 days out of 2 weeks, but not necessarily like this. I didn't and don't want to end up in the same position I found myself with him oh so long ago.
However, I don't believe that will be the case. I honestly think that he and I will end up differently than before. So, where is that? Who the fuck knows. But, I am not running around looking for the "A & J" finish line. I figure if we are meant to continue to be in each other's lives then it will happen. He and I are much different people than we were the first time around. Yes, I will admit that his kisses are familiar and were missed. His attention to details were long shut away but brought back and celebrated.
This time...as I told him I was scared he might run away again leaving me to take said feelings and lock them up placing them on the shelves ONCE AGAIN, he said it was us--and he wasn't going anywhere. Sure, I trust that. Things are different. We are different. There is one thing I refuse to do this time or anytime again...be a secret. Be a kissed lover in the shadows of the house and a friend in the daylight of the world. Be a confidante in most things but not in the most important things. Be a distraction from the fact that one day they will have to grow up--but not right now--and I can help pretend that that day doesn't exist. Be an after-thought. Be anything but what I deserve.
Now, wait! Before anyone thinks that this was or is the relationship I have with J you must not believe so...because it is isn't/wasn't. Or, at least most of it wasn't/isn't. What this is is a litany of things I can't do for another again. The last year and a half have been spent building my own dignity and having parts of it chipped away. But, I can't settle or allow myself to be anyone but me again. I refuse to be molded into a shape that completely disregards what I hope, believe, or think. I happen to think that this time around...I will have no worries.
All these things are important, all these things I deserve and will have. All these things I will graciously return to the other person who holds my heart. And I will believe these things to be true even after Monday when I stop ovulating.
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