Investing in something that fails is like a small death. This past week, a friend of my mother's had some horrific news that left him almost uncommunicative. They found cancer...for the third time. And, as I was talking to my mom through her tears, I realized that what he was experiencing was a small death, or perhaps a big one...only he will be able to determine that.
I told her he needed to grieve. She said she was afraid he might want to end himself. I told her he had the right to those feelings. Because, at the end, aren't we all entitled to our feelings, no matter how unimaginable they seem? Imagine, you walk into the doctor healthy, but you walk out sick. Imagine you were him. He has just experienced a death of health.
My mother then began to spout things such as, "Back in the day we saw miracles happen all the time. What happened to people getting healed from cancer and sickness. We don't see that anymore." I think we all want to be healthy. I think we all want bodily perfection. But, I looked at her and almost had a look of exasperation on my face. "Oh, but look at all the things emotionally, spiritually, and mentally that has been healed in the last 4 years. You think those aren't miracles? Remember dad and addiction? Remember you and depression? Remember me and anger? Remember the boys and addiction? Remember?!"
How is it that we forget that not all miracles are physical? If me and my family were in the same place we were 4 years ago, one or more of us would be dead...for sure. This gentleman, like all of us, has the necessary need to grieve. But, we sometimes hold out grief for death alone. The 5 stages of grief are thus: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For the love of all that is holy...use them! Embrace the stages when in the midst of horrific pain or suffering! I have even this day realized I should have used them more often than I have.
It is all about this idea of investment. When we experience the death of someone, we automatically understand why we are feeling denial and depression and anger, but how often do we invest in something or someone emotionally, mentally, physically, and when it ends...we get the fuck shocked out of us, and we then are completely at a loss for direction. If we just decided that when we get knocked down to allow those feelings of grief to wash over us, not allowing them to stay, but allowing them to run their course, we would realize we could get through things or grow from experiences much more quickly.
All pain is death. All loss is death. All failed investment is death. It is all the sudden non-existence of what once was. Of what we invest in, we are allowing to perhaps one day die. And, not just die, but die with a little bit of us inside. We invest in our friends. We invest in our health. We invest in our lovers. We invest in our family...and all have the ability to die without our consent. Then what? Has all our investment then been in vain?
No. It can't be. I refuse to believe that every life I have invested in, including my own, happened without merit. If so, then what is the point of community. We have community with ourselves when we have harmony with ourselves. We have community with others when we engage in fostering that investment and relationship. And, even though it has failed, or at least some part has, it isn't a failure. True and honest investment, no matter if other people think it isn't worth it, molds us and changes us and gives us depth. I can't sit here and deny that some change is bad. It is, but when we find something/someone to be passionate about we allow the softening of our humanity to mold into another.
So, when we experience this loss no matter if it is physical, mental, or emotional...we need to grieve. We must grieve. We deserve to grieve. We must because our investments were not in vain, and to not give the proper grievance to them would be just as much a disservice as not investing at all.
I told her he needed to grieve. She said she was afraid he might want to end himself. I told her he had the right to those feelings. Because, at the end, aren't we all entitled to our feelings, no matter how unimaginable they seem? Imagine, you walk into the doctor healthy, but you walk out sick. Imagine you were him. He has just experienced a death of health.
My mother then began to spout things such as, "Back in the day we saw miracles happen all the time. What happened to people getting healed from cancer and sickness. We don't see that anymore." I think we all want to be healthy. I think we all want bodily perfection. But, I looked at her and almost had a look of exasperation on my face. "Oh, but look at all the things emotionally, spiritually, and mentally that has been healed in the last 4 years. You think those aren't miracles? Remember dad and addiction? Remember you and depression? Remember me and anger? Remember the boys and addiction? Remember?!"
How is it that we forget that not all miracles are physical? If me and my family were in the same place we were 4 years ago, one or more of us would be dead...for sure. This gentleman, like all of us, has the necessary need to grieve. But, we sometimes hold out grief for death alone. The 5 stages of grief are thus: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For the love of all that is holy...use them! Embrace the stages when in the midst of horrific pain or suffering! I have even this day realized I should have used them more often than I have.
It is all about this idea of investment. When we experience the death of someone, we automatically understand why we are feeling denial and depression and anger, but how often do we invest in something or someone emotionally, mentally, physically, and when it ends...we get the fuck shocked out of us, and we then are completely at a loss for direction. If we just decided that when we get knocked down to allow those feelings of grief to wash over us, not allowing them to stay, but allowing them to run their course, we would realize we could get through things or grow from experiences much more quickly.
All pain is death. All loss is death. All failed investment is death. It is all the sudden non-existence of what once was. Of what we invest in, we are allowing to perhaps one day die. And, not just die, but die with a little bit of us inside. We invest in our friends. We invest in our health. We invest in our lovers. We invest in our family...and all have the ability to die without our consent. Then what? Has all our investment then been in vain?
No. It can't be. I refuse to believe that every life I have invested in, including my own, happened without merit. If so, then what is the point of community. We have community with ourselves when we have harmony with ourselves. We have community with others when we engage in fostering that investment and relationship. And, even though it has failed, or at least some part has, it isn't a failure. True and honest investment, no matter if other people think it isn't worth it, molds us and changes us and gives us depth. I can't sit here and deny that some change is bad. It is, but when we find something/someone to be passionate about we allow the softening of our humanity to mold into another.
So, when we experience this loss no matter if it is physical, mental, or emotional...we need to grieve. We must grieve. We deserve to grieve. We must because our investments were not in vain, and to not give the proper grievance to them would be just as much a disservice as not investing at all.
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