When I decided to write this blog, I knew that I was going to try to write every thing that drove me. I decided I wasn't going to care who read what or when. I was going to be as honest as possible...simply for my own sanity. So, why did I make it public if only to be scared it could be used against me? When I was younger, I always had a fear that someone would read my diary. I had such a fear that I would most often censor myself. And, I think it was for the worse. I swore I wouldn't do that here.
For the most part, I have had little backlash for what I have written. I have been able to write with abandon and trust that people see it as a part of my soul. There was this time, about 7 months ago, I had written a post about the ex, and even though I hadn't spoken to him in months...he invariably texted soon after publishing that particular post. Was this coincidence? Or was it direct response to the post? Whatever it was...I had invited response to my words.
However, I do every time I hit publish. When I push that glaring orange button, I am allowing the whole of my audience to read, judge, hate, love, and desecrate my name. But, I don't plan to stop. Another time, I was casually dating 2 guys at the same time, and after I had made my "decision" on what path to pursue, I wrote a post about it. It wasn't 24 hours later I was sitting in the pub, talking with the guy I didn't choose, explaining my blog.
When I found that I was unable to communicate with my ex, I started a blog for him to read. I thought, "If I can't properly communicate with him face to face because of the fact that I never get to see him, I can at least try through social media." It was a place for he and I to read only. He never read it...maybe once, maybe never. When I write, I am usually in thought of someone or something that is driving my thoughts. The problem: it has, on occasion, caused someone hurt. Usually someone who wasn't the object of my post.
I can't help. I write to heal. I write to explain that certain thought processes in my brain won't make sense until I have cyberly vomited them onto my screen, and even then I still struggle. But it helps...and I am sorry if something I have written near or far in the past has caused a sense of unease or pain for someone. It isn't/wasn't/will never be my true intention.
It would sadden me to know that I carry a fear of admission so strong that I can't continue to write honestly and with abandon. For all I know, no one reads my blog, and it is just happen stance that on those two occasions two people happened to catch my words that might have been directly related to them...I write so that perhaps people will be as honest with me as honest as I am through my words. I think there will always be a fear of admission, but so what? I will always fear something.
For the most part, I have had little backlash for what I have written. I have been able to write with abandon and trust that people see it as a part of my soul. There was this time, about 7 months ago, I had written a post about the ex, and even though I hadn't spoken to him in months...he invariably texted soon after publishing that particular post. Was this coincidence? Or was it direct response to the post? Whatever it was...I had invited response to my words.
However, I do every time I hit publish. When I push that glaring orange button, I am allowing the whole of my audience to read, judge, hate, love, and desecrate my name. But, I don't plan to stop. Another time, I was casually dating 2 guys at the same time, and after I had made my "decision" on what path to pursue, I wrote a post about it. It wasn't 24 hours later I was sitting in the pub, talking with the guy I didn't choose, explaining my blog.
When I found that I was unable to communicate with my ex, I started a blog for him to read. I thought, "If I can't properly communicate with him face to face because of the fact that I never get to see him, I can at least try through social media." It was a place for he and I to read only. He never read it...maybe once, maybe never. When I write, I am usually in thought of someone or something that is driving my thoughts. The problem: it has, on occasion, caused someone hurt. Usually someone who wasn't the object of my post.
I can't help. I write to heal. I write to explain that certain thought processes in my brain won't make sense until I have cyberly vomited them onto my screen, and even then I still struggle. But it helps...and I am sorry if something I have written near or far in the past has caused a sense of unease or pain for someone. It isn't/wasn't/will never be my true intention.
It would sadden me to know that I carry a fear of admission so strong that I can't continue to write honestly and with abandon. For all I know, no one reads my blog, and it is just happen stance that on those two occasions two people happened to catch my words that might have been directly related to them...I write so that perhaps people will be as honest with me as honest as I am through my words. I think there will always be a fear of admission, but so what? I will always fear something.
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