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30-something

  Had I written this 2 days ago, I would have completed one full year of blogging. Granted, I have only written 176 blogs and published 164. So, unfortunately, I didn't complete what I set out to do: a blog a day. But, let's pretend that today is July 10th, 2015...2 days ago. What has changed?
  One year ago: I sat in a nice hotel, alone, waiting on the pizza I ordered 45 minutes prior, drinking a bottle of wine, trying to make up my mind on a title for my blog. I had recently set out on a month long trip to see friends and family with a heart that was trying to mend, still finding itself in love with the man who told me he loved me but couldn't...
  Tonight: I stood amongst my closest friends, enjoying laughter of intimacy knowing that all I wanted for my 30th birthday was all of us together. That simple. And, I got it. My heart, full of joy, was overwhelmed and mended.
  These two nights are so completely different but a true reflection of my last year. I have made new friends, connected with old ones, met new loves, hooked up with old flings, threw caution to the wind, embraced the extraordinary, shied away from a few opportunities, fell in love, got thrown out of it, held on to old prejudices, and let go of new hurts. It has been life changing, and I wouldn't change any of it.
  As he held my hand last night, he said definitively, "I would go through all the pain that I have experienced again if I knew that it would lead me to you." That rather bold and brash statement got me thinking. If I knew that all the sad and torrential things that I went through this past year would get me to where I am this very moment...would I do it again? I don't know if I could say that. I would like to think that my heart could take it again. I would like to think that I could embrace the tears and sadness just knowing that smiles and laughter were to follow. But, I don't know.
  I have no regrets. I have absolutely no regrets. Those I let go and those I embraced were decisions I made in time of no regret. And, because of those decisions, my life has been shaped into something I like and am proud of. This past year the relationships I have had for a long time have taken a different shape. They have been less of a crutch and more of a addendum to my life as I am to theirs. They have become supplemental to my life. I no longer need them to stand up, but to catch me when I fall, and I am grateful they they have allowed me the space to spread my wings.
  29 was a spectacular year, and as I crept up to the date of my 30th, fear and worry began to settle in my heart. But, as of 2 days later...I have no fear just excitement for the upcoming chapter. Bring it on, life. Come what may!

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