I wonder if it was instantaneous like it seems or if my heart has been breaking for sometime. I don't know. I recognized it for what it was as I was driving to his house after Mass. I was in a good mood. Happy even. Granted, Mass usually gets me happy, but I was happy, and I was thinking about the white boy.
For what seems like so long, my heart has been bitter and my defenses were always up. It has been easier to be angry and hurt and engrossed in myself than to actually take the time to realize I was thawing. To realize that my heart was breaking. To realize I was healing.
I don't know when it really happened. It could have been last night when he told me I made his world. It could have been when I told him I had to leave and he hugged me tighter. It could have been tonight as I watched him shoot pool and his arms flexed to show a glimpse of the strength I know he possesses both physically for me and emotionally. It could have been as he sang me the country song he told me reminded him of me. It could have been any oNE of those times...I don't know.
But as I drove home, I realized, truly, that I felt honest happiness. I knew that when I texted him to tell him I was excited to go with him to meet his family, that it wasn't just a farce. I knew that as I got in bed tonight and texted him goodnight and that I already missed him, it wasn't just a formality. And I knew, that when he told me I had come a long way in expressing myself to him, he meant it most honestly.
I experienced heartbreak. Good heartbreak. But breaking none-the-less. I couldn't be more happy in knowing that my cold and painfully distant heart wasn't irreparable it just needed the right person to break the walls and chip away at the ice that had formed around it. God has been and still is very aware of what I need in my life, and I would be remiss to say that he has given me once again something exactly that I needed. Who knew that heartbreak was a good thing? I didn't...that is until my eyes were opened to see goodness again. And, what a beautiful sight it is.
For what seems like so long, my heart has been bitter and my defenses were always up. It has been easier to be angry and hurt and engrossed in myself than to actually take the time to realize I was thawing. To realize that my heart was breaking. To realize I was healing.
I don't know when it really happened. It could have been last night when he told me I made his world. It could have been when I told him I had to leave and he hugged me tighter. It could have been tonight as I watched him shoot pool and his arms flexed to show a glimpse of the strength I know he possesses both physically for me and emotionally. It could have been as he sang me the country song he told me reminded him of me. It could have been any oNE of those times...I don't know.
But as I drove home, I realized, truly, that I felt honest happiness. I knew that when I texted him to tell him I was excited to go with him to meet his family, that it wasn't just a farce. I knew that as I got in bed tonight and texted him goodnight and that I already missed him, it wasn't just a formality. And I knew, that when he told me I had come a long way in expressing myself to him, he meant it most honestly.
I experienced heartbreak. Good heartbreak. But breaking none-the-less. I couldn't be more happy in knowing that my cold and painfully distant heart wasn't irreparable it just needed the right person to break the walls and chip away at the ice that had formed around it. God has been and still is very aware of what I need in my life, and I would be remiss to say that he has given me once again something exactly that I needed. Who knew that heartbreak was a good thing? I didn't...that is until my eyes were opened to see goodness again. And, what a beautiful sight it is.
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