I have this tiny remnant of a scar on the back of my left hand from a friend who put out a cigarette on me. It hurt. Bad. I will never forget that moment or that girl. And as I was looking at this scar, I noticed several others on my body. Some I remember, some I don't. But I was thinking less about the reason I got this cigarette scar, and more about the person I was at the time.
I wasn't necessarily a bad girl. In fact, people would probably call me a pretty good one. But, I had my moments. And looking down at this scar brought back all those "moments" into one continuous stream of not-so-good things. I have moved on from them, but I still have a reminder.
I remember I was playing softball, the summer of my 9th grade year, and as I hit the ball toward second base my best friend at the time was running from first to second. She had to slide into second to get on base. The second baseman jammed her cleat into her shin and pushed up all the muscle and tendon of her leg up into her knee. That was a bad scar. I don't carry that scar, but I carry the memory. When I was looking at my own scar, remembering about the cigarette girl who is no longer in my life, I thought about my old best friend who is also no longer in mine. But I will be. I will be because of that painful moment one summer night.
Then I realized it isn't just about the scars that I carry on my body inflicted by me or someone else, it is also about the scars I inflict on others. How many scars do people carry that are directly associated with me somehow? How many did I create? Do these scares bring good memories or just bad ones entirely? Also...are they all visible?
I would venture to say that my most dominate scars are the ones that are not seen. They are the ones that were created from what I call paradigm shifts. The moments that broke apart my foundation and split asunder my heart. But as they say, "Time heals all wounds." I believe it, but just because I am healed doesn't mean I don't carry remnants of that wound. Just like the back of my hand, I still see the evidence that it happened, I just don't feel the physical pain.
When I look at pictures of my family before my brother died and after, I see scars not just on skin. When I look at my dog's limp, I see that scars aren't just on humans. When I look at burnt earth, I see that scars aren't just for breathing things. I guess I just realize how indelible actions are...especially mine.
So, I want to apologize. If I have caused anyone a scar: visible or not...unless it was a good memory. Those I don't apologize for. ;-)
I wasn't necessarily a bad girl. In fact, people would probably call me a pretty good one. But, I had my moments. And looking down at this scar brought back all those "moments" into one continuous stream of not-so-good things. I have moved on from them, but I still have a reminder.
I remember I was playing softball, the summer of my 9th grade year, and as I hit the ball toward second base my best friend at the time was running from first to second. She had to slide into second to get on base. The second baseman jammed her cleat into her shin and pushed up all the muscle and tendon of her leg up into her knee. That was a bad scar. I don't carry that scar, but I carry the memory. When I was looking at my own scar, remembering about the cigarette girl who is no longer in my life, I thought about my old best friend who is also no longer in mine. But I will be. I will be because of that painful moment one summer night.
Then I realized it isn't just about the scars that I carry on my body inflicted by me or someone else, it is also about the scars I inflict on others. How many scars do people carry that are directly associated with me somehow? How many did I create? Do these scares bring good memories or just bad ones entirely? Also...are they all visible?
I would venture to say that my most dominate scars are the ones that are not seen. They are the ones that were created from what I call paradigm shifts. The moments that broke apart my foundation and split asunder my heart. But as they say, "Time heals all wounds." I believe it, but just because I am healed doesn't mean I don't carry remnants of that wound. Just like the back of my hand, I still see the evidence that it happened, I just don't feel the physical pain.
When I look at pictures of my family before my brother died and after, I see scars not just on skin. When I look at my dog's limp, I see that scars aren't just on humans. When I look at burnt earth, I see that scars aren't just for breathing things. I guess I just realize how indelible actions are...especially mine.
So, I want to apologize. If I have caused anyone a scar: visible or not...unless it was a good memory. Those I don't apologize for. ;-)
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