Used to but not anymore

       I used to have this friend. It was a friendship that was uncomplicated and never required a lot of personal struggle. I never felt uncomfortable or as though I had to compromise myself. It was a friendship of true honesty and sincerity, and I miss it. 
       Oddly enough, I have these moments that I imagine my entire life ending. Just stopping. And as I ponder on where I am and who I am around and who would be affected, I think of this friend. Probably because they aren't around anymore. I think that perhaps they aren't around to help me cope with the things I encounter on a daily basis. Odd, you say? Eh, if you knew them, you wouldn't think so. 
       I honestly can't remember the first time I met this person. I was very young, and never imagined that we would grow as close as we did. It was perhaps a friendship forged in similar tastes and loves. We loved to banter about religion and philosophy and literature...okay, maybe not when we were younger, but we did grow up at some point. In fact, there was a time when I was ready to get rid of this friend. I didn't feel as though I was no longer benefiting from this relationship. I think I knew they would never leave, but I did try all I could to push them away. I just found adapting to them, in my adolescent stage of denial, exhausting!
        But I didn't have a choice. This person stalked me, and forced me to reconcile my entire life around theirs. I mean who does that? Kind of a little stalker-ish if you ask me, but they didn't take no for an answer, so I gave up. I gave up trying to fend off their crazy tactics and just accepted the friendship for what it was. And I believe I made the right choice. I know now that the friendship that we shared at one point would not be what it was if it weren't for their persistence.
        What exactly am I trying to say? Just that I remember a particular conversation that happened around a hookah, this person was sitting to my left, or maybe right, doesn't matter really, and the classic question of, "If you could have one thing while stuck in a well, what would you have?" As the question made the rounds, I listened to what each person said til it came to this person. The answer, "my sister."
         That was me! I was the one thing my brother couldn't live with out. I was the one he craved and longed for! Wow! And to think that I struggled so hard to push him away, he persisted and gave all of his unfeigned love to me so that I would understand what I deserved in the world. I was one lucky girl.
         And I deserved none of it! I deserved none of what he gave me, but I hope that I showed him at least a modicum of love which he gave me. I speak of this friend...this brother...this love because 4 years ago Friday I lost him. I lost the one person, in the world, that would give up heaven and earth for me. I lost him. I lost Andrew. I promise you this won't be the last time I speak of him, probably this week. It will be a hard week, I promise. All I ask is that when you read this, or think of me, that you send up a prayer for his soul and for the peace of my family. 
         Be blessed...